Monday, December 29, 2008

Hah... nicely put.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97,

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable then my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice....now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and
beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of
yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium. Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me, I'm the sunscreen.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

oh ye of little faith

God's spoken.

It's not about doubting.

It's about obeying.

Believe.

Taking in the Sun

We're born in broken-ness,
We live in loneliness
All our lives spent searching

We walk in wounded-ness
Fall in foolishness
All our lives spent longing to be free
I want to be, free to love

I'm breathing out this dirty air and I'm taking in the sun
I'm breathing out this dirty air and I'm taking in the sun

There's hope for our hopelessness
Relief from our restlessness
All our lives are beauty
We are free from our fallen-ness
Redeemed from our restlessness
All our lives are glory
We are free, I want to be, free to love

I'm taking in the sunlight
Dancing in the moonlight
Surrounded by the firelight
Breaking through the dawn

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Christmas List

Every year my mom asks for a list and it'll make it easier to just post it here:)

  1. Ear buds
  2. Towels - probably have to gift card these since I can't bring them back.
  3. Love Spell - Victoria Secret - lotion, but prefer perfume
  4. Dress Socks
  5. Chapstick/Lipgloss
  6. Guitar Strings - Elixar Acoustic 12
  7. Salad Tongs
  8. Leather Lotion or conditioner for my boots:)
  9. Hair Straightner - I'd like a CHI but they are expensive... Amazon might have them for cheap.
  10. Season 4 - The Office
  11. The Dark Knight DVD

Friday, November 28, 2008

mystery

After talking with a dear friend of mine, I felt as though her words had painted the mirror image of my own heart. The feelings, the motions, the prayers... Possibly only a half of a step ahead of her, feeling some-what confident, but fighting failure. Somewhere along the way the smokey smell of defeat had soaked into the threads of my clothing. No matter what direction I turned, it was following me.

Since I live on the other side of the universe, otherwise known as Charlotte, my late night drives are either done in silence or passed with a phone call to some unsuspecting soul that just might be awake. I was lucky enough for the other end of the line to pick up. We chatted about things involving their life and back about mine. The past few days I haven't felt like myself. The confidence I had walked in for the last month was fading. Instead, it was replaced with despair. I wondered to myself multiple times how I had sunk back into the pit I had battled so long to climb out of. Questioned by the reasons for all this made me think about words I had spoken earlier. Part of our duties as Christ followers is to die to our flesh daily:

Luke 9:23 (New International Version)

23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

Which in part means declaring to our souls and our minds and our bodies that the Word of God is truth and claiming His promises. Peace, patience, perseverance, grace, faith, trust... all gifts He has given so freely - ours for the taking! As I was talking about this, God gave me a picture of a baby learning to walk. No one expects an immobile child to just all of a sudden stand up and walk. In the beginning, a child must learn to pull himself up to a standing position. After much practice comes the attempted first step - wobbly and unsteady, followed by an immediate fall. These steps are repeated for quite some time. As we stand upon His promises and step out in faith - we are bound to fall and make mistakes and sometimes it might hurt - alot. Even in the midst of pain, we don't give up. Our goal is far too glorious to remain in a heap on the floor. Deep down we just want to make it across the room to the outstretched arms awaiting us with a giant smile and a voice that is crying out with joy, "COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT!"

It's never promised to us that stepping out in faith will be easy or painless. In fact the Bible is full of people stepping out, putting faith into action and waiting for God to do His thing - doesn't always tell us how their hearts despaired. God doesn't supply us with the details of His plans, but thankfully He did give us the Holy Spirit - who is there to guide us and move us in the right direction, to comfort us in times of defeat, and remind us that we CAN do it.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Im missing you...

It's pretty simple. I miss everything about you. Seeing just makes it worse, knowing I can see you but not have any part of your heart or attention or touch. Could we even start with exchanging hellos without that being awkward?

My heart is sad. How did we get here?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

sleep?

I should be sleeping right now and yet I'm laying in bed after a failed attempt. I think the 2 hour nap this afternoon destroyed an early bedtime... maybe I should have said "early". Possibly a blog entry will enable my mind to rest. So here we go... or I go.

Yesterday was a different day. I woke up at the crack of dawn - literally, to ready myself to serve at church. I always ask myself why I do this as I'm shutting the alarm off, yet I keep doing it because I know it's worth it. I hadn't sung with the main team for a few weeks and hadn't led a song in months, but I was asked to sing the song 'Til I See You'. Here are the words:

The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am my soul will bless Your name

The song was scheduled to be sung at the end of the set. I was so excited to sing. To just give it all I had. And as the drums started the song, I felt my spirit jump. It was totally God's spirit speaking through this song and my vocal chords. I haven't sung like this either in a long time or ever. My heart just poured out... the line "You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me"... was just for me. And when the bridge began, I couldn't contain myself... I wanted to give every part of me to Him. If only I could sing exactly what my heart is feeling. How worthy is our God?

The entire worship was amazing. I was actually jumping during the song 'You'll Come'. I never jump. I can't even explain it except that I couldn't stand still. It was crazy. God is doing something amazing in my life and those around me. He is using me to speak wisdom and truth. I can no longer be silent. The time of mourning I endured this past year is definitely over. I am a changed being. I am standing on solid ground. I am confident in His word, in His voice, in His love. Life is what I speak, Worship is what I live, and Love is what I give.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

my heart

With no reason to fret, no reason to be anxious, no reason to worry... however, my heart is still sad. I wonder if God hears me. I know that is a silly statement. Of course He is listening, I just don't think my heart is grasping His words... believing them as truth. Why should I ever doubt or fear my Father? I hear Him but am awaiting failure. Maybe I just fear another let down or another piece of me to break. I honestly don't know if there is much left to break. I feel like I'm down to my core. There is one tiny little ounce I'm afraid of letting go. I know it's necessary, but I fear it won't come back. I know I must surrender. I have no choice. I just wish things would happen a little faster than the slow pace they are at. Maybe the rate at which time appears to move is much different than reality. God's moving hearts - I can see it, I feel it. Why on earth am I doubting? God, I need this to pass. I need to trust completely... 99.9% will hardly do. So God... here's my written confession. Dated. I lay this down. This love deep inside. My most cherished thing next to You. It's Yours. I know You are holding it now. You are re-shaping it into what You can use. For Your glory. No more tears... for the time of mourning is over.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Your Hands

BY KATIE HERZIG, JJ AND DAVID HELLER

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

PRAYER POWER

Matt. 6: 5,6

1. Importance of Prayer

    1. Most important tool given to us by God
    2. Devil will try to prevent your prayers
    3. Our desire to be with God will increase
    4. Key to releasing God’s power and blessings
    5. Knowledge of Him will increase
    6. We will become “one” with Him in prayer
    7. Cannot truly succeed unless we pray
    8. Prayer increases faith, faith increases prayer

2. How to Pray

    1. Dialogue with God, not monologue
    2. Commit every day to prayer
    3. Listen for His voice, trained spiritual ears
    4. Specific in prayers (Luke 11:11,12)
    5. Pray without ceasing (1Thess. 5:17)
    6. Expect answers! (1John 5:14,15)
    7. Be bold (James 5:16b)

3. Getting Answers to Prayer


    1. Find His will in each situation you pray about (John 5:30b; 6:38; 7:17)
    2. Pray His Kingdom come, His will be done

      1. Pray FOR what is allowed in heaven
      2. Pray AGAINST what is not allowed in heaven

    3. Hindrances

      1. Sin (Prov. 28:9; John 9:31; Is. 59: 1,2; Lam. 3:40-44)
      2. Lack of faith (Mark 11: 24,25; James 1:6-8; Heb. 11:6)
      3. Selfishness (James 4:2-3)
      4. Lack of compassion (heartless) (Prov. 21:13)
      5. Domestic Problems (1Peter 3:7)
      6. Pride and self-righteousness (Job 35:12-13; Luke 18:13-14)
      7. Being out of His will (1John 3:22)
      8. Disobedience (1John 3:22)
      9. Unforgiveness (Mark 11:25-26)

    4. Those who get answers:

      1. Righteous
      2. Abide in Him
      3. Delight in Him
      4. Trust in Him
      5. Needy
      6. Suffering
      7. Oppressed
      8. Widows and Fatherless

4. Types of Prayer

    1. Personal Prayer (a.k.a. Quiet Time)
      1. Follow example Jesus gave (The Lord’s Prayer)

    2. Intercessory Prayer
      1. Praying for others
      2. Agreement is key
      3. Pray Scripture – powerful!
      4. Pray in the Spirit – also powerful!

5. Our Authority

    1. Know our authority
    2. NO FEAR!
    3. Stand on the Word of God
    4. Pray Scripture (follow Jesus’ example)
    5. Use Jesus’ name (John 14: 13,14)

6. Fasting

    1. Valuable
      1. Brings humility
      2. Spiritual wisdom and impartation
      3. Brings a breakthrough
      4. Overcomes selfishness in us (food-hold)
      5. Intensifies prayer life

    2. Methods of Fasting
      1. Partial (Daniel’s fast)
      2. Absolute (water only, no food)
      3. Supernatural (40 days)
      4. Corporate

    3. Expected (not “if” but “when” you fast)


Monday, September 15, 2008

Rejoice... the time of mourning is over.

Philippians 4:4-9 (New International Version)

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I only dreamt of you...

i see thy love in the distance
breathless gasping for air, for in thy dreams you where
awakening to the bleakness in my room
as my eyes begin to blear reality sets and starts the fear
for do dreams come true or do i die alone
waiting like the petals of a wilting flower fall off
until there is non and the once beautiful flowers dies naked
with no one to clothe it
will i hold you in the grave or will the grave hold me?
the numbing dreams never end the swallow's wings still amongst
the idle wind
my colored wold turns to gray scale
recollecting the memories eyes covered hazel
contradiction of thy thoughts standing calm love not lost
searching till i find my princess whose passionate eyes cut right through me
for what is life if love only exists in thy thoughts?
what is romance if it is all fiction?
nothing but a portrait left empty, a passing cloud of hurt
by to meet ym love in the flesh is to find my whole heart
your heart breaks though me your love is the key
longing for my hearts door
to what day till i see sun rays shine upon your face
i dream of you the way you look
the beating of love in your heart
your wolds are like the flowing of a spring, knowing thy love
waits for me until eternity's end
is this poetry or is this love's sickness
engulfing my every being
take the heart from you and the blood ceases from me
i see what you hear
breathe taking the closest thing to me and my savior
falling in love to a person i have never met
but knowing she has salvation's fragrance
by God's grace this love will be free and able to fly away above
the earth to a point of exhaustion
but your breath will keep me alive
words are pointless for this love is speechless
preparing fro the curtains close
laying their clutching hands so tight i can feel your heart
telling me it will be all right
ascension to heaven where this love can not only walk
but it runs through the endless fields of joy
where love neither ends nor begins but flows everlasting
this was thy dream this daybreak and will by thy prayer
that i will rest sleepless till the sun rises on that day
and butterflies sing with us as we write love symphony
the pages of life fill the story of our love in a time long ago
where fairy tales come true
and you and i my love will live happily ever after
i love you

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

You have me inside and out.

I'm sitting in joyful anticipation. There is a peace so overwhelming that tears slip periodically in honor and serve as a reminder of God's faithfulness, His love, His goodness to us... His children. How precious are His thoughts of us? How perfect are His plans and His ways? My feet are dancing even though I'm standing still. The celebration is of this path I'm on. No more mud, no more sinking... The seas are peaceful, the sun is shining on my face, the wind is at my back, I can see His face clearly in my heart. Our Father is so faithful... and so in love with us.

I haven't felt so free in so long.

Monday, May 12, 2008

grace, strength, and patience

I need these all in 10 fold right now. 3 more hours left to work. I wish there was a way to fast forward. Naeme was preaching about enjoying the season you are in, but I really am not enjoying this. I'm no longer heart broken. I'm not hurting. I'm flat out struggling. I have the most delightful , most beautiful, most desirable temptations in my face and me denying it is like climbing Mount Everest. I'm just about to the top... I'd be a bit farther but I've been sitting in a giant pitt of muck which I think I mistook for vat of chocolate. Why is denying yourself so difficult? I've found when I'm in a place like this - I start to deny myself other things like food and sleep... mostly. Reflecting a bit the last couple of weeks, I've realized I haven't purchased clothing or much of anything cept too much starbucks. Thats the next thing to go. No more fraps for a while. Anyone who knows me, knows I am in LOVE with java chip fraps. This should be fun to see how long this lasts.

I didn't sleep very well the past 2 nights. I realized during worship last night that I was heading down the wrong path again mainly because I had put off the inevitable. I could see myself losing ground and I was reaching out for what ever I could to reel everything back in. Confrontation sucks for both parties. It wasn't something I wanted to address or verbalize to this person. Facing the facts for both of us will be a hard swallow, but someone had to do it. So I did. I've got nothing in reply. It's to be expected. He's angry with my decision. At least it's the only logical conclusion I can scrounge up. All day I've been wondering if I made the right choice. Am I ready to put to rest this relationship? No more special times with this person. No more one on one hang outs or secretly traded smiles in a crowded room. I've decided that God is more important and the purity of my heart is what He longs for... and so it is. This is my sacrifice. It's a pretty big one.

God.... just give me the strength to make it thru this.....

Friday, April 25, 2008

not all those who wander are lost

but where oh where has my heart gone?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

From glory to glory

I wish I could go and fall asleep in the sun in the grass somewhere... where no bugs would crawl on me or person or animal would harm me. Not happening in this city. I feel like I need to connect with God somehow, somewhere... I dont know how or where. I just want to lay in His presence and somehow the sun seems like a good way to somehow feel Him near me. It's that or I crawl under a big giant rock and hide out for the next ten years and some how avoid all the feelings in my heart. I dunno where God is taking me or what He is doing in me. I wonder if I've just been fighting it for a while and haven't realized it. Is there about to a break thru? I really hope so. There is no resolution to this entry. I just need God so much right now... where do I find Him?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Coming back to "normal"

I took a step yesterday and the rest followed without thought. Sleep was a bit interrupted, but better than the night prior. How come the unknown is so scary? Maybe this is good and keeping my heart in check. Such an unpleasant process I am in, but somehow I wouldn't change it... even if I could. The past few weeks I've been given the chance to take a step back in a few areas in my life. One of them has been in worship... worship away from the stage. As weird as it sounds, it's been more uncomfortable for me to worship in the crowd than on stage. I've had such an attitude about it, but I realized on Sunday that it's been good for me to worship beside my brothers and sisters in Christ instead of in front of them. To just go for it with my entire being. I want to carry this back onto the stage. I want to carry this out into every minute of my day and all week long.

I've realized that how I feel towards people in truly within myself and not really how anyone treats me. No matter what craziness is flying around me or what messed up story comes my way, I am who I am. I am a daughter of Christ. Unique. Eclectic. Beautiful. I dance in His glory. I walk in His light. I exist in His presence. I am complete because of His love. He is the reason I live.

Monday, March 24, 2008

mercy

There were a few extra bounces to my steps yesterday - for most of the day. The sun was shining brightly in the sky as brightly as my heart felt. It's kinda sad how fast things change and cloud our thoughts. I'm wondering why I am consistently reminded of what my heart longs for... but is it truly what I should long for? I went to bed confused and just tossed and turned all night and anxiously awoke to the morning. I wish that my heart was truly nested in the hands of the One who created it. I know it is, but I keep trying to take it back. Somehow I feel shaky and weak and alone. I find it odd what I keep telling myself and the emotions that fight back. It's like one annoying broken record.

There is this song that fits my heart right now:

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love. And it serves to remind me that what I have means nothing at all compared to your glory, oh Lord. How long ‘till your voice speaks clearly? How long ‘till your arms envelope me? I cry – be my strength when I am weak. Oh Lord, have mercy on me please. My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak. I cry in your arms now. God, grant me the strength to rest in you. I lift my hands and cry.

Right now I truly need God to grant me the strength to rest in Him. To put His arms around me and remind me I'm not alone, that He holds ALL the answers, and in Him I am complete. I pray that my prayers are not in vane. I want to hear the voice of God and for Him to be the light to this path I'm on. I know that He is here... maybe I'm just afraid since I can't see past the moment I am in.

It's good to be reminded what mercy means:

something that gives evidence of divine favor

We are so unworthy of mercy, but I somehow need alot of it right now. I am in need of divine favor for my weary heart. Speak clearly to me today, Lord... I beg this of You.

Friday, March 21, 2008

putting on my pants... one leg at a time.

Where to even begin. I feel that way almost every day doing menial tasks and not so menial tasks. It should be as simple as 1 - 2 - 3, but somehow the sudden drop in the track takes you by surprise and butterflies more than flutter in your stomach. A flood of thoughts fill your mind and you try to remind yourself why you decided to get on this ride in the first place. I wonder who is really living within reality or who has conned their heart into believing everything is ok. This world is a crazy one in which we exist based on feelings. Last night someone said to me "Life just isn't that hard". The truth is... it is... when we are trying to carry it all on our own. We weren't designed to do so - our hearts just can not contain all the hurt thrown at us, let alone someone elses. How in the world have I been alive the last few weeks? How can you focus on positives when craps being thrown in your face? It's like a healing wound that you just keep picking at the scab. Pour some Jesus on it and let Him fix it. That's exactly what I think I finally realized. I can't heal my heart with any more words or tears. I can't walk away or abandon the place I'm in because I know that what's in our heart and on our backs will just come with us. It's about making a choice where you are at. To take off the back pack that has been overflowing with junk and hand it over. Why in the world do we carry it around til we are gasping for air, our legs are about to give out, and we have no strength left? Why do we try to accomplish God-tasks when there is no way we ever could?

It's simple really. God's asked us to put one pant leg on at a time. He didn't ask us to command the pants onto our bodies or sew them to ourselves or anything crazy like that. He said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28). So simple. So wonderful. My burden is off, it's at His feet. My heart has been exposed with hurt for too long. I will let His word be my stitches, my crutch, my foundation. This is my resolution.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Adult?

It's funny to me to think that I'm adult. I think I'll forever feel 19 or 21... I suppose that is an adult, but I forget that I'm really an adult. I pay all my own bills. I own my own house and drive a new car I paid for all by myself. I have a job that people depend on me for that pays me a wonderfully large sum of money. People take my advice to heart and mind.

I'm about to enter into a day that I'm somewhat dreading and somewhat so excited for. To see God move in my own heart and potentially the heart of others. The passion in me is not dead - I swear it's just on hold waiting for the gun fire to alert the race once again. I am in love with grace. I have felt so much that I have lost, yet the finish is clearly no where in sight. How could I give up now? There is so much left to be revealed. So many miles left to run. So what if it has rained and the ground is muddied? The sun will shine again. The ground will dry. My second wind will return this passion as it does each time.

A friend said something interesting to me today. He said you are pretty tough - all this you've gone through. It's true I suppose. I just feel weary. But I am confident. God has yet to let me down... even with all these questions floating through my brain... there will be answers.

Monday, February 18, 2008

What?

It just dawned on me about how much I dread the weekends. I used to love them. Funny how things change... I wish they'd change a little bit more.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Too Many Questions...

I'm trying to figure out the best way to allow my heart to heal. I wonder if writing would help cause talking doesn't. For once in my life, I don't feel like talking to anyone about anything. Everything feels like one giant circle, circulating around one thing that is definitely not worth my time or the chunk of my heart that has been left in the middle of the circle to be trampled upon - right where I put it. Sometimes I despise the person I am because I am so passionate about the things that I do, that in the end it leaves the door wide open for hurt. I've wondered my entire life how to guard my heart. I somewhat think it's impossible - at least for me. You can't avoid hurt in life. It's just impossible - that's if you want to love at all. I know God has something incredible for me to learn from this entire process. I do not understand any of it one bit. I even try to look back over the past few months and do not see any ounce of good. Maybe I need to step back even more before I can. I'm not sure. Normal people get to walk away and go their separate directions, but for me, not being your normal, average Joe, I get to be stuck right dab in the middle of what feels like a knife to the middle of my chest. The feeling of being happy only lasts an hour or two and then I'm back to this weird state. I try not to think at all because that is where anxiety sets in. I am not sure why. What am I exactly afraid of? There is really nothing much more that can be taken from me. I guess the last love is music. If that goes away, then I think I'd feel very unpurposed and I would really question me being in Charlotte all together. God's made it clear to me that I must cling only to Him... maybe that is why everything else feels like a sinking ocean. I'm really not sure. I'm 50/50 on the thoughts of having someone really close right now. Fortunately, there is no one - one less person to get hurt cause I know I would hurt them. Rebounds are just plain suicidal. I dunno. I just feel plain crazy. No matter what I do, it doesn't change my heart. I can only imagine what I'd feel like without being able to cry out to God. I'm trying to remember back 3 years ago when I went thru this before. It was different then, only because his face was hidden from me. I'm definitely a stronger person this time, I just need to a way out of this slump. I'm not sure why I'm even in this slump. Why can't I feel happy? Why does my heart want something my head knows is impossible? Why can't I just make myself run away? Why does my heart hope when there is no hope? Why does it seek after something that is lost? Why? Why? Why?

I don't get any of this. If I think about it... it's all stupid... every last bit of the last 6 months has been in vain. What a waste of time, energy, and my heart. I've lost sleep, weight, and brain cells. I've strived for something that was probably never there. I prayed so much about this - what and where did I go wrong? Seriously, what was/is God trying to teach me? I guess I'm just a product of a bundle of bad choices. If I could rewind 6 months and ignore those messages, I wouldn't be in this mess today. Hindsight is always a wonderful concept... If I was to re-live the past 6 months, what would I have done differently? My focus would have been different. So how can I fix that now? I wish there was one thing I could be sure about and run with. God, I know you see these thoughts... help me. I'm so desperate to find my way out of this hole... this ugly pit... to feel beautiful and new in You. To love Your people unconditionally. To never cease singing Your praises with my entire being. I want this so desperately, but how do I do this? How many times do I need to lay all this crap at your feet and not take it back 5 minutes later? How do I hold on to Your peace that is at my feet? How do I put down and away my own desires and only hold onto Your desires for me? I want to know this! I want to be free. I want to run and not be weary! I know You have gone before me, God... I need to see You in this. I need to feel You in my heart. I need to feel Your arms around me. I need Your touch so desperately!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Something new

God's doing something new in my heart. It's like I've been sleeping and for far too long.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Unleashed Fear

It's been almost a month. I've really had nothing to say. My heart has felt like a lifeless lump in the middle of my chest and the only time I know that it's still somewhat alive is when it hurts so much tears fall from my eyes. What is this that God is asking of me? What is this that I can't see past? I hear Him so clearly, but I wake up to chaos every morning. I know that I have nothing to fear and He is in control. In the past every time I've felt this way it has been nothing, but every time I'm in the middle of it, I can't see past it. All God is asking of me is to be still and trust Him. Why is this so hard? Why can't it be as simple and secure as holding a pillow to your chest? I want to hold on... why can't I just cling to Him? I know fully of His promises and what He has asked of me, but all I do is battle.

I realized last night that there is nothing I have to prove to God. He knows the inner and outer workings of our hearts, our passions, our desires. He authored them. There is no room for fear in our walks with Him. It's like an uncontrollable dog on a leash. It'll yank you around, drag you down the street, and in the end inevitably hurt you. The only choice you have is to let go of it. It's so silly cause there is no point in holding on. Do we really believe that God is bigger than the air we breath? Big enough to move a mountain? Big enough to speak to the heart of His beloved? To my beloved?

I need to remember to guard my thoughts. I know this entry probably seems like a circle, but I'm learning this all... slowly...