My heart. What a mess.

I've been slacking on posting. Not that I need to point that out. It's New Years Eve and I'm laying in bed... in my guest room. It's odd changing the room you sleep in. I'm not sure why.

I logged on today in hopes of trying to sort thru my thoughts. It's crazy how things seem to be going well and moving forward even though you are struggling a bit and then how quickly they can come crashing down. I'm definitely completely confused in life right now. The sad part is it seems to be all resting on one thing and not where it should. All this frustration is turning to anger. My patience has worn thin - which makes me wonder if I had any to begin with. The voice I thought was God telling me to hold on and to trust and to wait seems to be non existent at this point in time. I'm weary. There is no clarity. My heart feels lessened to worthlessness... untreasured and on it's way to death. How did I get here? How could I let anything or anyone make me feel this way? I promised myself that this blog wouldn't be about my woes, but I'm having a hard time with life. The cherry's are falling on everyone's banana splits except mine. The ice cream has melted and the bananas are brown and the whipped cream whithered. Everyone's probably wondering why I don't just throw it away and ask for a new one. For some reason I keep looking at it hoping something will come to life.

Honestly, I'm tired of where my life is going. So mundane. I hate this feeling. It always comes and goes for me. I know I should feel blessed, yada yada yada. I'm sure some people look at my life and would like to trade with me, but the truth is, right now, I'd like to trade with someone else. Why is it that the things I am most passionate about seem to get trampled upon? Right now I wish I was 10 again. All I had to worry about doing was going to school and having fun.

I feel far from God's side right now. But I'm too knowledged to know that He hasn't moved. I'm tired of praying the same prayer. I'm tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. I'm tired of not truly knowing what He wants of me. This waiting game is not fun. I don't feel peace about moving though and that is the part that sucks because everything in me wants to make a move. In the midst of this craziness I'm feeling, I hear God's voice telling me to be still. I do not understand, but I keep hearing it over and over in my head:

"Be still, and know that I am God;"
Psalms 46:10

The other verse that talks about being still is low and behold Psalms 37... why do I fret? why do I reach out for everything/anything to hold on to when all He has asked of me is to hold on to Him - the only sure thing in my life.

I've had tears in my eyes throughout this post. I feel peace upon reading His word. How simple was that? The waves are crashing and the wind is blowing and I have panicked. Why? There is no reason to because I have the only thing that will keep me from harm inside of me, holding my heart. Why do I doubt?

This song is my heart... let it ring out into this new year:

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Busy or Lazy?

So I have not updated this blog in over a week. I'm not sure if its from the craziness of December/holidays of being busy or just being lazy or just trying to not think. One of my best friends and I were talking about life and she made some obnoxious comment and I proceeded to correct her. She insisted on standing her ground with her statement. She said sometimes you have to think one way in order to keep your heart from wondering off on it's own path. Though I still think she is lying to herself, it is somewhat of a good concept. We have to take captive our thoughts. I'm still at this crossroads. Oddly enough, I'm not tired of sitting here yet. I feel as though the action of sitting - which required way more work initially - has actually strengthened me and my heart is at peace. I will continue to wait upon Him and be diligent in all that He asks of me til He moves my heart.

The other day I was having a discussion with a very dear friend and he said something to me about this situation that maybe it wasn't from God since it was a big focus. Honestly, I believe God allows situations to occur in order for us to be shaped so that we are able to do what He has for us. The awesomeness of all of this is that God has ultimately been the focus. It has always come back to Him. Him drawing my heart to His. Him giving a push to get my attention. Him guiding me to this place in order to use me. He has been preparing me for something amazing. I do not believe this time has been in vain. He has united my heart with similar hearts that have been there to listen, encourage, pray... through this process I have drawn close to His Spirit. I hope that I never stray from this place again.

And so I will wait upon the Lord.

Holding On

I feel as though I have not had much time to reflect with traveling and staying so busy over the weekend. But there is always a need to release what is in my heart even when I'm not even sure what is going on in there. Florida was a breath of fresh air. It was so nice to be pampered for a few days in a luxurious hotel and consume as much food as I could eat. Though by Friday afternoon I was very ready to come back to my home in Charlotte. I've been here now for over 4 years. I never thought I would ever consider this home, but it is. It is where my heart is. I was telling a friend yesterday that the holidays are so hard for me because I want to see my family, but still be here with my family. There is something about this city that is familiar and when I think of Charlotte I think of love. Ask me that when I first moved here, I would have shot you down. Not literally, but isn't it wonderful how God changes our hearts?

Something that has been on repeat in my heart is remembering when God tells me to move to move and to stand still that I wait, to be quiet and listen and to speak and be bold... Yesterday I woke up after a night of tossing and turning and felt like I was suppose to go to visit another church - one that I've wanted to visit for a while now. I mulled over every excuse in the book, but I made myself get up and go. It was good for my spirit to go and just worship as a member of the body of Christ, to have communion for the first time in years, and to feel new and beautiful. Yesterday was a day I'm not sure I can explain. Much like my heart. I keep feeling as though I've lost a key that would unlock this treasure of beauty, but the truth is, God is holding the key and holding my treasure. It's one of the hardest things to see and touch the very thing your heart longs for, but know that you must wait. Waiting on God is some what of a foreign concept. I've talked about this before, but the truth is, we are so used to getting pumped to get up and go and do whatever it is we feel God asked us to do that we fail to remember that there is beauty and peace and strength when we wait upon Him. It is amazing to be broken because I know God is so near to me. He feels every ache, hears every cry, and sees every tear. His arms are wrapped so tightly around you - you may not know it, but He is... I couldn't bare to think what I'd feel like if He was even one inch away from where He is now. He has gone before us and walked the exact steps we are walking. As for me, I've made a nice butt print in the sand, my head is burrowed deeply in His chest to hear His very heart beat. I will command my heart to be patient and my mind to cease any anxious thoughts. My life is a vessel for Him and nothing less. I will not settle. I will not run away. I will proclaim His promises. I will trust. And I will be victorious.