My heart. What a mess.

I've been slacking on posting. Not that I need to point that out. It's New Years Eve and I'm laying in bed... in my guest room. It's odd changing the room you sleep in. I'm not sure why.

I logged on today in hopes of trying to sort thru my thoughts. It's crazy how things seem to be going well and moving forward even though you are struggling a bit and then how quickly they can come crashing down. I'm definitely completely confused in life right now. The sad part is it seems to be all resting on one thing and not where it should. All this frustration is turning to anger. My patience has worn thin - which makes me wonder if I had any to begin with. The voice I thought was God telling me to hold on and to trust and to wait seems to be non existent at this point in time. I'm weary. There is no clarity. My heart feels lessened to worthlessness... untreasured and on it's way to death. How did I get here? How could I let anything or anyone make me feel this way? I promised myself that this blog wouldn't be about my woes, but I'm having a hard time with life. The cherry's are falling on everyone's banana splits except mine. The ice cream has melted and the bananas are brown and the whipped cream whithered. Everyone's probably wondering why I don't just throw it away and ask for a new one. For some reason I keep looking at it hoping something will come to life.

Honestly, I'm tired of where my life is going. So mundane. I hate this feeling. It always comes and goes for me. I know I should feel blessed, yada yada yada. I'm sure some people look at my life and would like to trade with me, but the truth is, right now, I'd like to trade with someone else. Why is it that the things I am most passionate about seem to get trampled upon? Right now I wish I was 10 again. All I had to worry about doing was going to school and having fun.

I feel far from God's side right now. But I'm too knowledged to know that He hasn't moved. I'm tired of praying the same prayer. I'm tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. I'm tired of not truly knowing what He wants of me. This waiting game is not fun. I don't feel peace about moving though and that is the part that sucks because everything in me wants to make a move. In the midst of this craziness I'm feeling, I hear God's voice telling me to be still. I do not understand, but I keep hearing it over and over in my head:

"Be still, and know that I am God;"
Psalms 46:10

The other verse that talks about being still is low and behold Psalms 37... why do I fret? why do I reach out for everything/anything to hold on to when all He has asked of me is to hold on to Him - the only sure thing in my life.

I've had tears in my eyes throughout this post. I feel peace upon reading His word. How simple was that? The waves are crashing and the wind is blowing and I have panicked. Why? There is no reason to because I have the only thing that will keep me from harm inside of me, holding my heart. Why do I doubt?

This song is my heart... let it ring out into this new year:

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart