Advice...

I never thought of myself as a writer, but as the years pass I realize how much putting my thoughts on "paper" helps me to organize everything milling around in my head. I generally don't have time to write because I'm so busy, but lately I haven't felt like doing too much. When I speak, my words just feel empty and run around in circle. Somehow when I write them down, they seem to plow straight forward. If I could only live by typing... or as a robot. I sometimes feel like that's how I'm suppose to act in my responses. As if I am programmed to be this perfect person. Maybe it would be better if we were more Biblically programmed so we wouldn't have to question if we were doing the right thing... however, we have that small piece of free will that will always linger in the background or forefront... it's the one set back in me not being super human.

No one ever wants us to hurt or feel pain. They seem to spit out the most random words they think are advice and full of wisdom because they tack Jesus and God onto the end of them. In the reality of the situation, it just brings more heart ache, ugly new thoughts to be thought and just end up bringing more confusion. So with our robotic, "Jesus-centered" advice freshly delivered, we are expect to have no tears and just to get over something cause we are useless in our broken state. When did we forget that Ps 34:18?

http://bible.cc/psalms/34-18.htm

He's mourning with us. He's feeling the exact pain... I believe He feels a greater pain since He's holding our hearts. But He's walking with us, sitting with us, holding us, rocking us, brushing our hair back and kissing our foreheads, and saying, "I'm right here."

Why do we feel like we have to give an answer or explanation when all we need to do is pray. He's the only one who knows our hearts and the situation more than we could even begin to understand. So may we be quick to say, "Let me pray for you" and actually do it. And instead of trying to have an understanding of the situation and having to know all the details so we can spit out answers... just ask for the specific areas that need to be prayed for and if they know of none... just pray.

Guarding Your Heart

I think since the youth group days, the phrase "guard your heart" has rang loud and clear in my ears in regards to any potential relationships that have come along. It's almost become cliche. I've always wondered what that entailed. Was it holding back trust or secrets? Was it just saying, 'I'm never gonna date any one" and then hope with all your might that one day someone will plow you over and magically want to marry you. It was almost like everyone was saying, hold back everything so you won't get hurt. How do you embrace a situation that has so much potential to hurt you so deeply?

I'm not sure why I have not dug deeper to find out what it really meant. My explanations and definitions have been as idiotic to me as they probably were to the people I was sharing them with.

This morning I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine. I honestly didn't feel like talking, but I did anyways - big surprise, I know. We just began chatting about things going on in our lives and that is when the bricks hit me in the head. God has been speaking to me so clearly the last few days - maybe because I'm actually listening? Either way, I feel Him, hear Him, and have seen Him move. I kinda feel like I have just put on a pair of glasses and a hearing aid. In everything He has been speaking has come back to obedience. There are so many times in our lives we feel like doing the complete opposite of what is "too difficult" - at least our version of difficult. The truth is when we avoid the "difficult task", we end up in a mess and have do exactly what we were suppose to do in the first place. Kind of no way to avoid God - not sure why we ever try.

Going back to before this morning's conversation, I was given some words of wisdom last night of "guard your heart". I felt my heart freeze immediately and everything in me said, "You can not do this, so just get out now and run." I couldn't shake it til the conversation this morning. I finally realized why I was guarding my heart. It wasn't for the purpose of relieving my heart of pain or avoiding hurt, it is for the sole purpose to be obedient to God. He comes first. Always. Period. Nothing can come before Him because that will sway our decisions and in turn cause a direct disobedience to what He has spoken to us. This basically means a daily/hourly/minute/second choice to say I will ask for Your direction, I will listen for Your voice, I will do Your will. Most of our tasks are not complicated. They are simple. The struggle between our will/thoughts and His is the biggest battle.

So as you enter a difficult time or come upon a big decision in your life, know that guarding your heart is a conscious decision to choose His will over yours in obedience to Him. In that obedience is so much protection and security for our hearts that we could not even begin to hold up in any situation.

The Importance of Obedience

I think we all wonder why certain things happen in our lives. We struggle and question God. Our understanding just can't comprehend it. I've been battling that for some months now with everything I went through last year. I knew that God would show me what good would come from it or what the purpose was... just wasn't sure when He was going to do that.

I had been seeking God about something important in my life this past week. I felt as though His words were on repeat from the latter part of last year "rest". This put fear in my heart. I was convinced I was just making up stuff at this point and I was unable to hear His voice.

I went bed that night unable to sleep partially from being sick and just having so much on my mind. I began to pray. I knew God knew about this new fear... even before I figured it out. I heard Him say it again "rest". I said to myself "GOODNESS stop already!". I just laid there thinking why on earth do I keep hearing this word. And it hit me like a flood. This word of "rest" was not my mind playing tricks. It was not a made up story. It was God... speaking... to me. Our lives are one part prayer, one part listening, one part doing. I got the praying thing down, I got the listening thing down, I do not have the "doing" thing down.

If anyone knows me, I am a person who sees much. I see alot of the downsides of things and want to fix them. Most of the time I'm pretty good at doing so. I just have a solution minded brain. So you can only imagine when I'm told to sit still - it doesn't go over too well. So in all my efforts to make things "better" in my life last year - I made things worse because I was in direct disobedience from God. I let my fear of losing something be greater than my desire to obey God - kinda like the story of Jonah and the whale. Thankfully I was not dumped into the ocean and swallowed by a whale. I hate fish.

I feel so much peace at this time. I am confident in my God; my Father. He knows the greater picture. He has the best in store for me. Every good and perfect things comes from Him. He is my Rock; my Fortress. In Him, I put my trust.

Questions in Waiting.

There are so many times in our lives when situations occur and we are left completely baffled. I for one... am in the middle of one right now. If any part of this made sense right now - would I have more peace? I am not sure. I guess I should consider myself blessed that for the most part I am at peace. I'm sad but I'm at peace. My heart fully knows God is in control and His ways are good and His timing is perfect. Maybe in a few days or weeks I will have an answer for this time. Maybe in the days to come this will be a fleeting thought. Generally, nothing is ever a fleeting thought to me... but this could be the exception.

I would like to send one text right now... that says "I hate this." I'm not sure what good it will do. It's over. Decisions have been made... now to live life in acceptance of those decisions. I'm not a fan of relationships. I'm not convinced they are even worth it.... somehow I find myself back in the same place, wondering the same exact things. Wondering how nothing makes sense and knowing that soon I will figure it all out... God does make it clear. It's not a matter of life or death... just wondering why this or that doesn't "work out" for us. I feel like God has majorly refined my heart in the last 5 months or so... does that not come with a greater prize than just the refinement? Why am I not satisfied with that? Why do I feel as though it merits a reward? I feel filled with so many questions. Like a whining child, I want an answer right now. All I feel God saying is to rest and be still. Seems like that is the answer I always hear in the times when I just want to run and make something happen. Maybe I am really hearing God... I keep questioning if it's Him or me just trying to make up something He's telling me. I have to be confident that my Father is at work. He knows where hearts lie and the intentions within. Why am I not satisfied with waiting on His perfect timing? Round and round I go. I know this time around I'm not kicking and screaming as I have in the past. I am sitting in my secret place where He has met me with His peace. I am surrounded in worship and love. I know He is near to me at this hour. I know He is repositioning hearts. I know He is shaping. I do not know the outcome... not sure I want to right now. Maybe waiting in this place isn't so bad at all?

Downtrodden, oh my soul....

A series of unattainable events have left this heart feeling quite let down. When the walls of trust are broken and severed, there never seems a reason to even attempt to rebuild.

I am trying to accept the fact that I will never understand people and the stupidity of their decisions.

Silence has spoken in the stillness
Whispering death to my ear
Dancing on your tongue
To the beat of demise growing inside.

The sun has set to dusk
But this heart is restless with regret
The moon shies his face
As the grave buries these dreams

Hah... nicely put.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97,

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable then my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice....now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and
beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of
yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium. Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me, I'm the sunscreen.