From glory to glory

I wish I could go and fall asleep in the sun in the grass somewhere... where no bugs would crawl on me or person or animal would harm me. Not happening in this city. I feel like I need to connect with God somehow, somewhere... I dont know how or where. I just want to lay in His presence and somehow the sun seems like a good way to somehow feel Him near me. It's that or I crawl under a big giant rock and hide out for the next ten years and some how avoid all the feelings in my heart. I dunno where God is taking me or what He is doing in me. I wonder if I've just been fighting it for a while and haven't realized it. Is there about to a break thru? I really hope so. There is no resolution to this entry. I just need God so much right now... where do I find Him?

Coming back to "normal"

I took a step yesterday and the rest followed without thought. Sleep was a bit interrupted, but better than the night prior. How come the unknown is so scary? Maybe this is good and keeping my heart in check. Such an unpleasant process I am in, but somehow I wouldn't change it... even if I could. The past few weeks I've been given the chance to take a step back in a few areas in my life. One of them has been in worship... worship away from the stage. As weird as it sounds, it's been more uncomfortable for me to worship in the crowd than on stage. I've had such an attitude about it, but I realized on Sunday that it's been good for me to worship beside my brothers and sisters in Christ instead of in front of them. To just go for it with my entire being. I want to carry this back onto the stage. I want to carry this out into every minute of my day and all week long.

I've realized that how I feel towards people in truly within myself and not really how anyone treats me. No matter what craziness is flying around me or what messed up story comes my way, I am who I am. I am a daughter of Christ. Unique. Eclectic. Beautiful. I dance in His glory. I walk in His light. I exist in His presence. I am complete because of His love. He is the reason I live.

mercy

There were a few extra bounces to my steps yesterday - for most of the day. The sun was shining brightly in the sky as brightly as my heart felt. It's kinda sad how fast things change and cloud our thoughts. I'm wondering why I am consistently reminded of what my heart longs for... but is it truly what I should long for? I went to bed confused and just tossed and turned all night and anxiously awoke to the morning. I wish that my heart was truly nested in the hands of the One who created it. I know it is, but I keep trying to take it back. Somehow I feel shaky and weak and alone. I find it odd what I keep telling myself and the emotions that fight back. It's like one annoying broken record.

There is this song that fits my heart right now:

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love. And it serves to remind me that what I have means nothing at all compared to your glory, oh Lord. How long ‘till your voice speaks clearly? How long ‘till your arms envelope me? I cry – be my strength when I am weak. Oh Lord, have mercy on me please. My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak. I cry in your arms now. God, grant me the strength to rest in you. I lift my hands and cry.

Right now I truly need God to grant me the strength to rest in Him. To put His arms around me and remind me I'm not alone, that He holds ALL the answers, and in Him I am complete. I pray that my prayers are not in vane. I want to hear the voice of God and for Him to be the light to this path I'm on. I know that He is here... maybe I'm just afraid since I can't see past the moment I am in.

It's good to be reminded what mercy means:

something that gives evidence of divine favor

We are so unworthy of mercy, but I somehow need alot of it right now. I am in need of divine favor for my weary heart. Speak clearly to me today, Lord... I beg this of You.

putting on my pants... one leg at a time.

Where to even begin. I feel that way almost every day doing menial tasks and not so menial tasks. It should be as simple as 1 - 2 - 3, but somehow the sudden drop in the track takes you by surprise and butterflies more than flutter in your stomach. A flood of thoughts fill your mind and you try to remind yourself why you decided to get on this ride in the first place. I wonder who is really living within reality or who has conned their heart into believing everything is ok. This world is a crazy one in which we exist based on feelings. Last night someone said to me "Life just isn't that hard". The truth is... it is... when we are trying to carry it all on our own. We weren't designed to do so - our hearts just can not contain all the hurt thrown at us, let alone someone elses. How in the world have I been alive the last few weeks? How can you focus on positives when craps being thrown in your face? It's like a healing wound that you just keep picking at the scab. Pour some Jesus on it and let Him fix it. That's exactly what I think I finally realized. I can't heal my heart with any more words or tears. I can't walk away or abandon the place I'm in because I know that what's in our heart and on our backs will just come with us. It's about making a choice where you are at. To take off the back pack that has been overflowing with junk and hand it over. Why in the world do we carry it around til we are gasping for air, our legs are about to give out, and we have no strength left? Why do we try to accomplish God-tasks when there is no way we ever could?

It's simple really. God's asked us to put one pant leg on at a time. He didn't ask us to command the pants onto our bodies or sew them to ourselves or anything crazy like that. He said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28). So simple. So wonderful. My burden is off, it's at His feet. My heart has been exposed with hurt for too long. I will let His word be my stitches, my crutch, my foundation. This is my resolution.