My heart. What a mess.

I've been slacking on posting. Not that I need to point that out. It's New Years Eve and I'm laying in bed... in my guest room. It's odd changing the room you sleep in. I'm not sure why.

I logged on today in hopes of trying to sort thru my thoughts. It's crazy how things seem to be going well and moving forward even though you are struggling a bit and then how quickly they can come crashing down. I'm definitely completely confused in life right now. The sad part is it seems to be all resting on one thing and not where it should. All this frustration is turning to anger. My patience has worn thin - which makes me wonder if I had any to begin with. The voice I thought was God telling me to hold on and to trust and to wait seems to be non existent at this point in time. I'm weary. There is no clarity. My heart feels lessened to worthlessness... untreasured and on it's way to death. How did I get here? How could I let anything or anyone make me feel this way? I promised myself that this blog wouldn't be about my woes, but I'm having a hard time with life. The cherry's are falling on everyone's banana splits except mine. The ice cream has melted and the bananas are brown and the whipped cream whithered. Everyone's probably wondering why I don't just throw it away and ask for a new one. For some reason I keep looking at it hoping something will come to life.

Honestly, I'm tired of where my life is going. So mundane. I hate this feeling. It always comes and goes for me. I know I should feel blessed, yada yada yada. I'm sure some people look at my life and would like to trade with me, but the truth is, right now, I'd like to trade with someone else. Why is it that the things I am most passionate about seem to get trampled upon? Right now I wish I was 10 again. All I had to worry about doing was going to school and having fun.

I feel far from God's side right now. But I'm too knowledged to know that He hasn't moved. I'm tired of praying the same prayer. I'm tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. I'm tired of not truly knowing what He wants of me. This waiting game is not fun. I don't feel peace about moving though and that is the part that sucks because everything in me wants to make a move. In the midst of this craziness I'm feeling, I hear God's voice telling me to be still. I do not understand, but I keep hearing it over and over in my head:

"Be still, and know that I am God;"
Psalms 46:10

The other verse that talks about being still is low and behold Psalms 37... why do I fret? why do I reach out for everything/anything to hold on to when all He has asked of me is to hold on to Him - the only sure thing in my life.

I've had tears in my eyes throughout this post. I feel peace upon reading His word. How simple was that? The waves are crashing and the wind is blowing and I have panicked. Why? There is no reason to because I have the only thing that will keep me from harm inside of me, holding my heart. Why do I doubt?

This song is my heart... let it ring out into this new year:

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Busy or Lazy?

So I have not updated this blog in over a week. I'm not sure if its from the craziness of December/holidays of being busy or just being lazy or just trying to not think. One of my best friends and I were talking about life and she made some obnoxious comment and I proceeded to correct her. She insisted on standing her ground with her statement. She said sometimes you have to think one way in order to keep your heart from wondering off on it's own path. Though I still think she is lying to herself, it is somewhat of a good concept. We have to take captive our thoughts. I'm still at this crossroads. Oddly enough, I'm not tired of sitting here yet. I feel as though the action of sitting - which required way more work initially - has actually strengthened me and my heart is at peace. I will continue to wait upon Him and be diligent in all that He asks of me til He moves my heart.

The other day I was having a discussion with a very dear friend and he said something to me about this situation that maybe it wasn't from God since it was a big focus. Honestly, I believe God allows situations to occur in order for us to be shaped so that we are able to do what He has for us. The awesomeness of all of this is that God has ultimately been the focus. It has always come back to Him. Him drawing my heart to His. Him giving a push to get my attention. Him guiding me to this place in order to use me. He has been preparing me for something amazing. I do not believe this time has been in vain. He has united my heart with similar hearts that have been there to listen, encourage, pray... through this process I have drawn close to His Spirit. I hope that I never stray from this place again.

And so I will wait upon the Lord.

Holding On

I feel as though I have not had much time to reflect with traveling and staying so busy over the weekend. But there is always a need to release what is in my heart even when I'm not even sure what is going on in there. Florida was a breath of fresh air. It was so nice to be pampered for a few days in a luxurious hotel and consume as much food as I could eat. Though by Friday afternoon I was very ready to come back to my home in Charlotte. I've been here now for over 4 years. I never thought I would ever consider this home, but it is. It is where my heart is. I was telling a friend yesterday that the holidays are so hard for me because I want to see my family, but still be here with my family. There is something about this city that is familiar and when I think of Charlotte I think of love. Ask me that when I first moved here, I would have shot you down. Not literally, but isn't it wonderful how God changes our hearts?

Something that has been on repeat in my heart is remembering when God tells me to move to move and to stand still that I wait, to be quiet and listen and to speak and be bold... Yesterday I woke up after a night of tossing and turning and felt like I was suppose to go to visit another church - one that I've wanted to visit for a while now. I mulled over every excuse in the book, but I made myself get up and go. It was good for my spirit to go and just worship as a member of the body of Christ, to have communion for the first time in years, and to feel new and beautiful. Yesterday was a day I'm not sure I can explain. Much like my heart. I keep feeling as though I've lost a key that would unlock this treasure of beauty, but the truth is, God is holding the key and holding my treasure. It's one of the hardest things to see and touch the very thing your heart longs for, but know that you must wait. Waiting on God is some what of a foreign concept. I've talked about this before, but the truth is, we are so used to getting pumped to get up and go and do whatever it is we feel God asked us to do that we fail to remember that there is beauty and peace and strength when we wait upon Him. It is amazing to be broken because I know God is so near to me. He feels every ache, hears every cry, and sees every tear. His arms are wrapped so tightly around you - you may not know it, but He is... I couldn't bare to think what I'd feel like if He was even one inch away from where He is now. He has gone before us and walked the exact steps we are walking. As for me, I've made a nice butt print in the sand, my head is burrowed deeply in His chest to hear His very heart beat. I will command my heart to be patient and my mind to cease any anxious thoughts. My life is a vessel for Him and nothing less. I will not settle. I will not run away. I will proclaim His promises. I will trust. And I will be victorious.

this is my sabbath...

The company I work for is based out of Naples, FL. My boss came to me a few weeks ago and asked me to pick a week to come down to visit with everyone. There was no real purpose in my visit, but just to come. I was pretty much opposed to the idea, even though I knew I had to come anyways. He was kind enough to make sure I left after the weekend ended and returned before it started. So here I am.

My hotel room could be mistaken for my second apartment. It came complete with 2 televisions, washer and dryer, full stocked kitchen, dining room, living room, king size bed, and a patio overlooking the olymipic sized pool. The ocean is less than a mile away, though I have not walked to the beach. I should. Maybe tomorrow I will take 30 mins to go sit.

Last night I was determined to not be a home body, but to venture out and try something new. I was to conquer one of my fears - eating alone. I've never done it before - at least not in a restaurant. I made my way to Books-A-Million and found a book to burry my face in, in hopes that I would look less loser-ish. How awkward to say "just one" when the hostess asks how many, even worse when the waiter checks on you every 5 seconds. I felt the need to announce I was there on business to some how raise any thoughts he had towards me, but I think he still felt bad for me and my book. I left him a nice tip. I can't say I would like to do this on a regular basis. However, I think it was good for me. I haven't done something uncomfortable in a while. I like being out of my comfort zone in some ways. I used to do it every weekend while I was touring around doing music. I've forgotten how it was to feel awkward for more than 5 minutes.

Even though I was dreading this trip away from everyone, it's been good to rest. I've been on an internet fast for about a week now. You are probably wondering how I am typing this or working, but my fast only included myspace, facebook and aim. I was wasting so much time online, winding my heart around drama that probably didn't even really exist. But giving this all a break has been good. I feel good. I feel peace. I feel hopeful. I am excited to see what this weekend will bring with out new practice time and group, and worship on Sunday night.

the importance of you

"You are your own worst critique."

We've all heard the phrase before. After watching American Idol, I would beg to differ. I'm sure most of the show is all an act, but there are plenty of people who have big heads and no talent to hold them up. There are points in time where I think I'm not good at anything or mediocre at a bunch of different things and every once in a while I'll believe that I'm really good at something. I think we realize our greatest flaws when we meet someone or discover something new. We compare and contrast what we possess with them, deciding whether or not we rank higher or lower. This is ludicrous. God has given each of us talents and abilities, uniquely fashioned to fit and be used within His body - 1 Cor 12. I like to look at it as one giant puzzle. Every piece is necessary to make the masterpiece complete. In a 1000 piece puzzle you could have 999 pieces and yet there would be a hole, which would stick out like a sore thumb.

Recently, I've been convicted of a couple things. One is faulting myself that I'm not that great of a guitarist or pianist - do I practice? Never. What excuse do I have? You are right... none. Could I be great... maybe, maybe not, but I think I've spent more time and energy complaining that I'm not good instead of actually making time to practice. My second guilty obsession has been putting down my vocal abilities. If there was one thing that has not changed since I was a little girl, it was my love and passion for singing. Even when I was told I couldn't sing at all or I never sang the song right, I still loved it and persevered right pass all the negative comments. If there was a place to sing, I was singing. If there wasn't a place to sing, I made one:) I'm not sure why the very thing that I love, I would ever lower to a level it did not belong.

Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity.
-1 Timothy 4:12

Paul wasn't address the age of a person, but pointing out that God would use them even though the gifts, talents and abilities were not perfected. And by "no one", he is talking even about putting down yourself. God has given me a gift. It is beautiful. I am absolutely honored that I can glorify His name every Sunday at Mosaic in worship. I don't think I can even begin to express the joy it brings to be able to make my heart an audible melody for God to hear and for the ears of His people.

My point is, there will always be opinions. It doesn't matter how many compliments I get or whether or not I think I sang a song well, but it is all about God being glorified, being an open vessel for Him to speak through my lungs, and for this, it can be nothing but beautiful.

Surrender

You would think with a 4 am wake up call, by 8pm I'd be exhausted physically and mentally and wouldn't be able to keep myself awake, but I've found myself just laying in bed thinking about so many things. Reflecting over the past year of what my heart has been thru. Lots of change. Church, boss/job, friends, guys... Only leaves me wondering if it's only my heart that feels trampled upon.

I was driving home today and my heart just physically ached. It's been a while since this has happened - probably a year or two. I'm not sure why today was any different than any other. I know God's doing something inside of me, but I'm not quite sure. I have earnestly prayed for His words to fall upon my ears in counsel and that my heart would be guarded and covered by His blood. Generally I am always the one driving, but earlier today I decided to lay low and get a ride with a friend. We were sharing some of life's craziness and he said something interesting to me, "When you wait upon the Lord, He will renew your strength." - Which is from Isaiah 40:31:

"But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint. "

Kind of one of those times when it feels like a bowling ball hit you directly in the stomach even though I know I've heard that scripture reference a million times. I think it's been waiting for the situation or circumstance to change instead of waiting on Him. I've been doing my best to run to Him... but waiting on Him? To be still and patient until He makes everything clear?

I think we mistake God's will for an instantaneous happening of what we think should occur after we've made huge strides in our walk with Him, but that is not always the case. Waiting does not mean easy, does not mean there will be no tears or sadness or frustration. Right now, I'm at a fork in the road. I am very uncertain of which direction to take, but that is ok because God has told me to wait. So at the fork I will sit. It is very unlike me to sit still and I easily frustrate when I feel like I'm not moving forward, but I think there is a beauty in the stillness of our spirit. If we could only stop our minds from racing. If only I could. I'm struggling. I want so much to do what God wants and yet I'm looking every which way trying to figure it all out. There is no way out except to wait like a ship caught in a storm while at sea. My heart is grieving in surrender as I let His waves of mercy wash over me. So many tears have fallen and so many yet to fall. I know without a doubt that in the end, there will be nothing but victory and glory brought to His name and for His cause. Just a matter of prayer... continuous prayer.

Time to take off the running shoes

This past week and into the weekend has been a blur. There has been a constant business. I love being busy but this has been insane. I feel as though I can not think straight or focus, but all I can think of is sleeping or the next thing I need to do. By yesterday afternoon I felt like a truck ran over me - not physically but emotionally. Everything in me was dragging. I couldn't shake this horrible feeling of wanting to run away from this place God has brought me. Feelings of being secluded from everyone, not fitting in, every measly joke just so cutting... just not like me. I knew something was wrong but I wasn't recognizing it. It took our worship pastor, Gil, stepping in and being like we need to pray for you and the rest of the leaders, Sidney and Weston, came and laid hands on me. Something definitely lifted off of me and a peace came over me. There was no doubt in my heart or mind that I needed to be on stage. Something was about to happen. I wiped the tears from my face and stood boldly and led worship before the Lord and with a group of people, my church family, that I love so much. God came and fell so mightily in that place.

For the past 3-4 months we have led in the mornings and every other week at Visualite on Sunday nights. I've always had this love for each Sunday we were privileged to lead worship at the Visualite. Gil came to Weston and I about a month ago and asked us to pray/think about leading that campus. It was an exciting and odd thought all at the same time. We both kind of felt pushed out of the way since we would only be leading one service instead of 3, but something started to grow in us as we acknowledged this as an opportunity to step up, be true leaders, and be on our faces before Him in a new way. Most of the people who attend are unchurched and do not know how to really worship. Sometimes we'd be on stage having an amazing time of worship and you'd open your eyes to look into the a crowd of blank still faces. So disheartening, but I believe God is going to use us to change this. I believe He is going to use us to lead by example, to train other musicians how to use their talents and worship God at the same time, and network with other churches and bring unity within musicians in Charlotte. I know God has something completely new for that place and He's got our hearts open and ready. I know the Devil has been trying to tear it down, break it up, and completely destroy it by using our hearts and emotions. I've spent the last month being shoved around unable to sleep well, eat well, or function. I haven't been myself. It's been so hard. I see all too well now this storm I've been in was way more than just a test of God asking me to trust Him, it was more of God saying trust me, stay with me, draw near to me because I have something so amazing for you. I am so privileged to jump head first into this new role and to be a vessel of God. I've been filled up and emptied out. I am broken for Him and the call He's put on my life. I am ready.

Go Fish

I love spontaneity. I think if you knew me growing up that you would laugh at that because I used to have to have everything planned out to the t. Something changed in me and I rarely plan much out, the bad thing is scheduling for me. Even those important things like sleeping, eating, and going to gym. Somehow I'm still alive:)

Last night my friend IM'd me and was like let's go find the Township Auditorium. So that's just what we did. We traveled all of 75 miles to Columbia to see David Crowder, Phil Wickham, and the Myriad. I thought I was going to leave the place with a heart filled with worship with good ole Davey Crocket, but instead the very first band who was probably the least worshipful said something that I hope never leaves me. He was talking about his life being a roller coaster, but that God was there feeling everything his heart was feeling. I guess sometimes I feel as though God just sees us hurting and will come to our aid if we cry out to Him, but never thought about His own heart towards us. But it's true, He's closest to the broken hearted,

"The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,"
(ps 34:18)

I've heard this verse a million times. I swear. How awesome is it that He is there in every foot step, every fall, every tear, every ache. How much greater is my love for Him to know He's holding my heart, my hand, my life. He's already walked the path that I'm on. He knows my struggles and my unfaithful, weary heart and yet He loves me just the same. I am not sure I can even begin to fathom Him love for me... for you. It is completely mind boggling. I wish my heart and mind would never forget or waiver on His promises, but oh how they think they know better.

Make sure you let God know you love Him. It is like honey on His lips or if you hate honey... the most tasty food you've ever eaten... times a million.

Simplicity

God is love.

Such a simple verse out of 1 John, but those 3 words hold so much meaning. I'm not sure I can even begin to explain the emotion/feeling that passes over me when I say those words. I've been praying that my life would reflect Him and seeking Him for what He would have for me to do for Him as if there was some road I was suppose to turn on or door I'm suppose to walk thru. Sunday marked the beginning of a new set of classes at church. Our worship pastor thought it'd be good for us to attend them for additional disciplining. The topic was Bible study. I love how God works. Lately, everything He's put on my heart is confirmed by something going on at church. I've really had a burden to pray, followed up with some Bible reading.

During elementary school into middle school, Pizza Hut was my hero. They used to have this program where you set a goal of how many books you would read in a month and then if you met it, you'd get a free pizza. A nice little incentive. I'd burn thru books in a day and even avoid going to sleep because I wanted to finish them. Unfortunately either Pizza Hut stopped doing this and/or they didn't offer it for high schoolers. So my love and drive for reading some what came to a screeching halt.

Reading the Bible has always been something I've known I should do. I've always been intrigued how pastors would etch their sermons around multiple verses in such a profound way, but I never took the time to do my own study. Thank God for His grace and mercy. Somehow everything is changing. These words in this amazing book called the Bible really do have life in them and they can and do apply to my life. To take what I've had drilled into my brain all my life and apply it to what is happening now. Amazing.

This morning I was making the exchange from the washer to the dryer and I was praying for a dear friend of mine that God's spirit would be over his family and love would fill their home. All of a sudden a song that we used to sing in Sunday school came into my head. "His banner of me, is love... 1 John 4:7&8". I was like I need to read 1 John 4. Here it was all along. What God is beckoning my heart to do. Love.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

It reads that God is love and those who do not love God do not know Him. Which means they do not know love. Seriously just hit me over the head. What an empty feeling this must be. To not know true love... to not know God. Wow. Makes me wonder where I've had my heart. God's also been speaking to me about getting my focus off myself. I led a song at church on Sunday and it repeats a line, "It's not for us(me), it's all for You". It's so true. We aren't here for to make millions or just for fun. We were placed where we are to show/share/live His love. So if I want to exude Jesus as I expressed a few days ago, then all I have to do, is love. So simple, yet so profound. Love.

missing the feathers and the leathers

Last night I had a friend of mine sleep over. She's adorable in every sense of the word. When you see her your heart just lights up and her laughter is contagious. Unfortunately she is allergic to animals which includes the feathery piece of heaven I sleep with every night. I purchased this comforter off of Overstock.com - great place, you really should check it out. Ever since it arrived in the mail, it's covered the top of my bed. I suppose I never put much thought into how much I enjoy it until last night . Even with a pile of blankets upon us, the 100's of geese that gave their life for my luxury were greatly missed.

Sunday I brought my Bible to church. It's a rarity. Some of you are thinking, what a heathen! But before you get your undies in a bunch, our church puts all scriptures within the sermon up on the big screen and by big screen, I mean big screen - we meet in a movie theater:) However, since this was not a normal practice for me, my leather bound Christmas gift from 2001 was lost in the crazy clean-up confusion. I've resorted to a pocket sized, pea-sized-text Bible. Last night I was attempting to read a few scriptures before bed and it took me a while because of all the words crammed into such a small space. I think for the first time in my life, I miss my Bible. The thoughts of losing the highlighted, note filled, crooked underlines Word of God is a bit heart wrenching. I have high hopes it's laying on the floor in Theater 9 of the AMC theaters at NorthLake or else tucked away in someone's car/home. I suppose if someone picks it up and it blesses them, then it's completely worth the loss:)

restless mornings

This past month has been a blur. It's been amazing, eye-opening, and full of tremendous growth, but for a lack of a better term: it sucked. God has taught me so much. To learn to trust, to be patient, to be a woman who walks in the confidence of God's promises and His word, to be virtuous, faithful and diligent in service and prayer, to love even when I don't feel loved. Who knew so many amazing things would come from a state of complete brokenness. So many times I've felt like Peter walking on water. The one thing God's asked me to do is to look to Him and walk towards Him, but the wind would start to blow and I'd start looking to the right or left.

I am one of the most determined people I know. Give me something to do or a challenge and you can be assured it will be done. Unfortunately with my heart, it's a different story. When I get to a place that I'm uncomfortable, I just bail. Every time my heart would start to sink, I was ready to leave. Leave the place God has undoubtedly called me to be. The other Sunday I wasn't serving but I ended up hearing the sermon 3 times and each time this one phrase stuck out to me, "Our hearts are unfaithful, but God is always faithful". Every time I heard it, it'd hit me like a dagger in the heart. I realize that I can't live my life based on the way my heart is feeling, but that I need to be on my face before God seeking His face, declaring His promises to my spirit, and commanding my soul to rejoice in Him.

I never really understood Psalms 37. But it's been the rock I've stood on this past month. Part of the passage says to "delight yourself in the Lord". It's easy to feel like you love God and the world when everything is going well, but when things don't happen the way we feel they should... that's the real test. That's when your heart truly shows where it stands. Life would be so much easier if our heart, mind, and soul would cooperate together. Instead it's a battle. It's one that I've recently taken by throat and demanded alignment. I think too many times, we allow the devil to speak lies and we even allow ourselves to wallow in our own self pities, creating insecurities. I walked into this time with an open heart, asking God to do what He needed to in my life and He's done/doing just that. God has been weeding those out the ugly insecurities that have come from past hurts... roots and all.

It's been painful, tearful, sleepless, and prayerful. I feel like I am a stronger woman of God for this. I will continue to stand upon His promises He has spoken to me in His word and to my heart. I want my life to exude Jesus. I want that to be all that you see and hear. I want my heart to shine like no others. I want to be the woman of God that He has called me to be.

First Blog

For a while I kept online blogs, but they were always kinda dumb and pointless. I think they were more of a place for me to complain than to actually keep helpful reminders and encouragements for those reading. I'm a pretty happy go-lucky person until something goes wrong. That's when I'd turn to writing a song or writing some awful entry about how much life was horrible. While, I know life isn't a case of peaches, it's also not good to wallow in the low points, as there are many amazing and beautiful things that will be missed.

More and more over the past few months, I've been inspired to keep my thoughts somewhere. Seems how I type faster than I can write with a pen, I am turning to the trusty ole internet to store and manage them. Plus I'm all about sharing my heart to anyone who will listen. We shall see how faithful I remain to this new venture.