restless mornings

This past month has been a blur. It's been amazing, eye-opening, and full of tremendous growth, but for a lack of a better term: it sucked. God has taught me so much. To learn to trust, to be patient, to be a woman who walks in the confidence of God's promises and His word, to be virtuous, faithful and diligent in service and prayer, to love even when I don't feel loved. Who knew so many amazing things would come from a state of complete brokenness. So many times I've felt like Peter walking on water. The one thing God's asked me to do is to look to Him and walk towards Him, but the wind would start to blow and I'd start looking to the right or left.

I am one of the most determined people I know. Give me something to do or a challenge and you can be assured it will be done. Unfortunately with my heart, it's a different story. When I get to a place that I'm uncomfortable, I just bail. Every time my heart would start to sink, I was ready to leave. Leave the place God has undoubtedly called me to be. The other Sunday I wasn't serving but I ended up hearing the sermon 3 times and each time this one phrase stuck out to me, "Our hearts are unfaithful, but God is always faithful". Every time I heard it, it'd hit me like a dagger in the heart. I realize that I can't live my life based on the way my heart is feeling, but that I need to be on my face before God seeking His face, declaring His promises to my spirit, and commanding my soul to rejoice in Him.

I never really understood Psalms 37. But it's been the rock I've stood on this past month. Part of the passage says to "delight yourself in the Lord". It's easy to feel like you love God and the world when everything is going well, but when things don't happen the way we feel they should... that's the real test. That's when your heart truly shows where it stands. Life would be so much easier if our heart, mind, and soul would cooperate together. Instead it's a battle. It's one that I've recently taken by throat and demanded alignment. I think too many times, we allow the devil to speak lies and we even allow ourselves to wallow in our own self pities, creating insecurities. I walked into this time with an open heart, asking God to do what He needed to in my life and He's done/doing just that. God has been weeding those out the ugly insecurities that have come from past hurts... roots and all.

It's been painful, tearful, sleepless, and prayerful. I feel like I am a stronger woman of God for this. I will continue to stand upon His promises He has spoken to me in His word and to my heart. I want my life to exude Jesus. I want that to be all that you see and hear. I want my heart to shine like no others. I want to be the woman of God that He has called me to be.