Surrender

You would think with a 4 am wake up call, by 8pm I'd be exhausted physically and mentally and wouldn't be able to keep myself awake, but I've found myself just laying in bed thinking about so many things. Reflecting over the past year of what my heart has been thru. Lots of change. Church, boss/job, friends, guys... Only leaves me wondering if it's only my heart that feels trampled upon.

I was driving home today and my heart just physically ached. It's been a while since this has happened - probably a year or two. I'm not sure why today was any different than any other. I know God's doing something inside of me, but I'm not quite sure. I have earnestly prayed for His words to fall upon my ears in counsel and that my heart would be guarded and covered by His blood. Generally I am always the one driving, but earlier today I decided to lay low and get a ride with a friend. We were sharing some of life's craziness and he said something interesting to me, "When you wait upon the Lord, He will renew your strength." - Which is from Isaiah 40:31:

"But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint. "

Kind of one of those times when it feels like a bowling ball hit you directly in the stomach even though I know I've heard that scripture reference a million times. I think it's been waiting for the situation or circumstance to change instead of waiting on Him. I've been doing my best to run to Him... but waiting on Him? To be still and patient until He makes everything clear?

I think we mistake God's will for an instantaneous happening of what we think should occur after we've made huge strides in our walk with Him, but that is not always the case. Waiting does not mean easy, does not mean there will be no tears or sadness or frustration. Right now, I'm at a fork in the road. I am very uncertain of which direction to take, but that is ok because God has told me to wait. So at the fork I will sit. It is very unlike me to sit still and I easily frustrate when I feel like I'm not moving forward, but I think there is a beauty in the stillness of our spirit. If we could only stop our minds from racing. If only I could. I'm struggling. I want so much to do what God wants and yet I'm looking every which way trying to figure it all out. There is no way out except to wait like a ship caught in a storm while at sea. My heart is grieving in surrender as I let His waves of mercy wash over me. So many tears have fallen and so many yet to fall. I know without a doubt that in the end, there will be nothing but victory and glory brought to His name and for His cause. Just a matter of prayer... continuous prayer.