Advice...

I never thought of myself as a writer, but as the years pass I realize how much putting my thoughts on "paper" helps me to organize everything milling around in my head. I generally don't have time to write because I'm so busy, but lately I haven't felt like doing too much. When I speak, my words just feel empty and run around in circle. Somehow when I write them down, they seem to plow straight forward. If I could only live by typing... or as a robot. I sometimes feel like that's how I'm suppose to act in my responses. As if I am programmed to be this perfect person. Maybe it would be better if we were more Biblically programmed so we wouldn't have to question if we were doing the right thing... however, we have that small piece of free will that will always linger in the background or forefront... it's the one set back in me not being super human.

No one ever wants us to hurt or feel pain. They seem to spit out the most random words they think are advice and full of wisdom because they tack Jesus and God onto the end of them. In the reality of the situation, it just brings more heart ache, ugly new thoughts to be thought and just end up bringing more confusion. So with our robotic, "Jesus-centered" advice freshly delivered, we are expect to have no tears and just to get over something cause we are useless in our broken state. When did we forget that Ps 34:18?

http://bible.cc/psalms/34-18.htm

He's mourning with us. He's feeling the exact pain... I believe He feels a greater pain since He's holding our hearts. But He's walking with us, sitting with us, holding us, rocking us, brushing our hair back and kissing our foreheads, and saying, "I'm right here."

Why do we feel like we have to give an answer or explanation when all we need to do is pray. He's the only one who knows our hearts and the situation more than we could even begin to understand. So may we be quick to say, "Let me pray for you" and actually do it. And instead of trying to have an understanding of the situation and having to know all the details so we can spit out answers... just ask for the specific areas that need to be prayed for and if they know of none... just pray.

Guarding Your Heart

I think since the youth group days, the phrase "guard your heart" has rang loud and clear in my ears in regards to any potential relationships that have come along. It's almost become cliche. I've always wondered what that entailed. Was it holding back trust or secrets? Was it just saying, 'I'm never gonna date any one" and then hope with all your might that one day someone will plow you over and magically want to marry you. It was almost like everyone was saying, hold back everything so you won't get hurt. How do you embrace a situation that has so much potential to hurt you so deeply?

I'm not sure why I have not dug deeper to find out what it really meant. My explanations and definitions have been as idiotic to me as they probably were to the people I was sharing them with.

This morning I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine. I honestly didn't feel like talking, but I did anyways - big surprise, I know. We just began chatting about things going on in our lives and that is when the bricks hit me in the head. God has been speaking to me so clearly the last few days - maybe because I'm actually listening? Either way, I feel Him, hear Him, and have seen Him move. I kinda feel like I have just put on a pair of glasses and a hearing aid. In everything He has been speaking has come back to obedience. There are so many times in our lives we feel like doing the complete opposite of what is "too difficult" - at least our version of difficult. The truth is when we avoid the "difficult task", we end up in a mess and have do exactly what we were suppose to do in the first place. Kind of no way to avoid God - not sure why we ever try.

Going back to before this morning's conversation, I was given some words of wisdom last night of "guard your heart". I felt my heart freeze immediately and everything in me said, "You can not do this, so just get out now and run." I couldn't shake it til the conversation this morning. I finally realized why I was guarding my heart. It wasn't for the purpose of relieving my heart of pain or avoiding hurt, it is for the sole purpose to be obedient to God. He comes first. Always. Period. Nothing can come before Him because that will sway our decisions and in turn cause a direct disobedience to what He has spoken to us. This basically means a daily/hourly/minute/second choice to say I will ask for Your direction, I will listen for Your voice, I will do Your will. Most of our tasks are not complicated. They are simple. The struggle between our will/thoughts and His is the biggest battle.

So as you enter a difficult time or come upon a big decision in your life, know that guarding your heart is a conscious decision to choose His will over yours in obedience to Him. In that obedience is so much protection and security for our hearts that we could not even begin to hold up in any situation.

The Importance of Obedience

I think we all wonder why certain things happen in our lives. We struggle and question God. Our understanding just can't comprehend it. I've been battling that for some months now with everything I went through last year. I knew that God would show me what good would come from it or what the purpose was... just wasn't sure when He was going to do that.

I had been seeking God about something important in my life this past week. I felt as though His words were on repeat from the latter part of last year "rest". This put fear in my heart. I was convinced I was just making up stuff at this point and I was unable to hear His voice.

I went bed that night unable to sleep partially from being sick and just having so much on my mind. I began to pray. I knew God knew about this new fear... even before I figured it out. I heard Him say it again "rest". I said to myself "GOODNESS stop already!". I just laid there thinking why on earth do I keep hearing this word. And it hit me like a flood. This word of "rest" was not my mind playing tricks. It was not a made up story. It was God... speaking... to me. Our lives are one part prayer, one part listening, one part doing. I got the praying thing down, I got the listening thing down, I do not have the "doing" thing down.

If anyone knows me, I am a person who sees much. I see alot of the downsides of things and want to fix them. Most of the time I'm pretty good at doing so. I just have a solution minded brain. So you can only imagine when I'm told to sit still - it doesn't go over too well. So in all my efforts to make things "better" in my life last year - I made things worse because I was in direct disobedience from God. I let my fear of losing something be greater than my desire to obey God - kinda like the story of Jonah and the whale. Thankfully I was not dumped into the ocean and swallowed by a whale. I hate fish.

I feel so much peace at this time. I am confident in my God; my Father. He knows the greater picture. He has the best in store for me. Every good and perfect things comes from Him. He is my Rock; my Fortress. In Him, I put my trust.

Questions in Waiting.

There are so many times in our lives when situations occur and we are left completely baffled. I for one... am in the middle of one right now. If any part of this made sense right now - would I have more peace? I am not sure. I guess I should consider myself blessed that for the most part I am at peace. I'm sad but I'm at peace. My heart fully knows God is in control and His ways are good and His timing is perfect. Maybe in a few days or weeks I will have an answer for this time. Maybe in the days to come this will be a fleeting thought. Generally, nothing is ever a fleeting thought to me... but this could be the exception.

I would like to send one text right now... that says "I hate this." I'm not sure what good it will do. It's over. Decisions have been made... now to live life in acceptance of those decisions. I'm not a fan of relationships. I'm not convinced they are even worth it.... somehow I find myself back in the same place, wondering the same exact things. Wondering how nothing makes sense and knowing that soon I will figure it all out... God does make it clear. It's not a matter of life or death... just wondering why this or that doesn't "work out" for us. I feel like God has majorly refined my heart in the last 5 months or so... does that not come with a greater prize than just the refinement? Why am I not satisfied with that? Why do I feel as though it merits a reward? I feel filled with so many questions. Like a whining child, I want an answer right now. All I feel God saying is to rest and be still. Seems like that is the answer I always hear in the times when I just want to run and make something happen. Maybe I am really hearing God... I keep questioning if it's Him or me just trying to make up something He's telling me. I have to be confident that my Father is at work. He knows where hearts lie and the intentions within. Why am I not satisfied with waiting on His perfect timing? Round and round I go. I know this time around I'm not kicking and screaming as I have in the past. I am sitting in my secret place where He has met me with His peace. I am surrounded in worship and love. I know He is near to me at this hour. I know He is repositioning hearts. I know He is shaping. I do not know the outcome... not sure I want to right now. Maybe waiting in this place isn't so bad at all?