Adult?

It's funny to me to think that I'm adult. I think I'll forever feel 19 or 21... I suppose that is an adult, but I forget that I'm really an adult. I pay all my own bills. I own my own house and drive a new car I paid for all by myself. I have a job that people depend on me for that pays me a wonderfully large sum of money. People take my advice to heart and mind.

I'm about to enter into a day that I'm somewhat dreading and somewhat so excited for. To see God move in my own heart and potentially the heart of others. The passion in me is not dead - I swear it's just on hold waiting for the gun fire to alert the race once again. I am in love with grace. I have felt so much that I have lost, yet the finish is clearly no where in sight. How could I give up now? There is so much left to be revealed. So many miles left to run. So what if it has rained and the ground is muddied? The sun will shine again. The ground will dry. My second wind will return this passion as it does each time.

A friend said something interesting to me today. He said you are pretty tough - all this you've gone through. It's true I suppose. I just feel weary. But I am confident. God has yet to let me down... even with all these questions floating through my brain... there will be answers.

What?

It just dawned on me about how much I dread the weekends. I used to love them. Funny how things change... I wish they'd change a little bit more.

Too Many Questions...

I'm trying to figure out the best way to allow my heart to heal. I wonder if writing would help cause talking doesn't. For once in my life, I don't feel like talking to anyone about anything. Everything feels like one giant circle, circulating around one thing that is definitely not worth my time or the chunk of my heart that has been left in the middle of the circle to be trampled upon - right where I put it. Sometimes I despise the person I am because I am so passionate about the things that I do, that in the end it leaves the door wide open for hurt. I've wondered my entire life how to guard my heart. I somewhat think it's impossible - at least for me. You can't avoid hurt in life. It's just impossible - that's if you want to love at all. I know God has something incredible for me to learn from this entire process. I do not understand any of it one bit. I even try to look back over the past few months and do not see any ounce of good. Maybe I need to step back even more before I can. I'm not sure. Normal people get to walk away and go their separate directions, but for me, not being your normal, average Joe, I get to be stuck right dab in the middle of what feels like a knife to the middle of my chest. The feeling of being happy only lasts an hour or two and then I'm back to this weird state. I try not to think at all because that is where anxiety sets in. I am not sure why. What am I exactly afraid of? There is really nothing much more that can be taken from me. I guess the last love is music. If that goes away, then I think I'd feel very unpurposed and I would really question me being in Charlotte all together. God's made it clear to me that I must cling only to Him... maybe that is why everything else feels like a sinking ocean. I'm really not sure. I'm 50/50 on the thoughts of having someone really close right now. Fortunately, there is no one - one less person to get hurt cause I know I would hurt them. Rebounds are just plain suicidal. I dunno. I just feel plain crazy. No matter what I do, it doesn't change my heart. I can only imagine what I'd feel like without being able to cry out to God. I'm trying to remember back 3 years ago when I went thru this before. It was different then, only because his face was hidden from me. I'm definitely a stronger person this time, I just need to a way out of this slump. I'm not sure why I'm even in this slump. Why can't I feel happy? Why does my heart want something my head knows is impossible? Why can't I just make myself run away? Why does my heart hope when there is no hope? Why does it seek after something that is lost? Why? Why? Why?

I don't get any of this. If I think about it... it's all stupid... every last bit of the last 6 months has been in vain. What a waste of time, energy, and my heart. I've lost sleep, weight, and brain cells. I've strived for something that was probably never there. I prayed so much about this - what and where did I go wrong? Seriously, what was/is God trying to teach me? I guess I'm just a product of a bundle of bad choices. If I could rewind 6 months and ignore those messages, I wouldn't be in this mess today. Hindsight is always a wonderful concept... If I was to re-live the past 6 months, what would I have done differently? My focus would have been different. So how can I fix that now? I wish there was one thing I could be sure about and run with. God, I know you see these thoughts... help me. I'm so desperate to find my way out of this hole... this ugly pit... to feel beautiful and new in You. To love Your people unconditionally. To never cease singing Your praises with my entire being. I want this so desperately, but how do I do this? How many times do I need to lay all this crap at your feet and not take it back 5 minutes later? How do I hold on to Your peace that is at my feet? How do I put down and away my own desires and only hold onto Your desires for me? I want to know this! I want to be free. I want to run and not be weary! I know You have gone before me, God... I need to see You in this. I need to feel You in my heart. I need to feel Your arms around me. I need Your touch so desperately!

Something new

God's doing something new in my heart. It's like I've been sleeping and for far too long.