Unleashed Fear

It's been almost a month. I've really had nothing to say. My heart has felt like a lifeless lump in the middle of my chest and the only time I know that it's still somewhat alive is when it hurts so much tears fall from my eyes. What is this that God is asking of me? What is this that I can't see past? I hear Him so clearly, but I wake up to chaos every morning. I know that I have nothing to fear and He is in control. In the past every time I've felt this way it has been nothing, but every time I'm in the middle of it, I can't see past it. All God is asking of me is to be still and trust Him. Why is this so hard? Why can't it be as simple and secure as holding a pillow to your chest? I want to hold on... why can't I just cling to Him? I know fully of His promises and what He has asked of me, but all I do is battle.

I realized last night that there is nothing I have to prove to God. He knows the inner and outer workings of our hearts, our passions, our desires. He authored them. There is no room for fear in our walks with Him. It's like an uncontrollable dog on a leash. It'll yank you around, drag you down the street, and in the end inevitably hurt you. The only choice you have is to let go of it. It's so silly cause there is no point in holding on. Do we really believe that God is bigger than the air we breath? Big enough to move a mountain? Big enough to speak to the heart of His beloved? To my beloved?

I need to remember to guard my thoughts. I know this entry probably seems like a circle, but I'm learning this all... slowly...