Rachand Merchel

Advice...

2009-06-15T19:05:00.001-04:00

I never thought of myself as a writer, but as the years pass I realize how much putting my thoughts on "paper" helps me to organize everything milling around in my head. I generally don't have time to write because I'm so busy, but lately I haven't felt like doing too much. When I speak, my words just feel empty and run around in circle. Somehow when I write them down, they seem to plow straight forward. If I could only live by typing... or as a robot. I sometimes feel like that's how I'm suppose to act in my responses. As if I am programmed to be this perfect person. Maybe it would be better if we were more Biblically programmed so we wouldn't have to question if we were doing the right thing... however, we have that small piece of free will that will always linger in the background or forefront... it's the one set back in me not being super human.

No one ever wants us to hurt or feel pain. They seem to spit out the most random words they think are advice and full of wisdom because they tack Jesus and God onto the end of them. In the reality of the situation, it just brings more heart ache, ugly new thoughts to be thought and just end up bringing more confusion. So with our robotic, "Jesus-centered" advice freshly delivered, we are expect to have no tears and just to get over something cause we are useless in our broken state. When did we forget that Ps 34:18?

http://bible.cc/psalms/34-18.htm

He's mourning with us. He's feeling the exact pain... I believe He feels a greater pain since He's holding our hearts. But He's walking with us, sitting with us, holding us, rocking us, brushing our hair back and kissing our foreheads, and saying, "I'm right here."

Why do we feel like we have to give an answer or explanation when all we need to do is pray. He's the only one who knows our hearts and the situation more than we could even begin to understand. So may we be quick to say, "Let me pray for you" and actually do it. And instead of trying to have an understanding of the situation and having to know all the details so we can spit out answers... just ask for the specific areas that need to be prayed for and if they know of none... just pray.

Guarding Your Heart

2009-06-10T15:02:00.001-04:00

I think since the youth group days, the phrase "guard your heart" has rang loud and clear in my ears in regards to any potential relationships that have come along. It's almost become cliche. I've always wondered what that entailed. Was it holding back trust or secrets? Was it just saying, 'I'm never gonna date any one" and then hope with all your might that one day someone will plow you over and magically want to marry you. It was almost like everyone was saying, hold back everything so you won't get hurt. How do you embrace a situation that has so much potential to hurt you so deeply?

I'm not sure why I have not dug deeper to find out what it really meant. My explanations and definitions have been as idiotic to me as they probably were to the people I was sharing them with.

This morning I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine. I honestly didn't feel like talking, but I did anyways - big surprise, I know. We just began chatting about things going on in our lives and that is when the bricks hit me in the head. God has been speaking to me so clearly the last few days - maybe because I'm actually listening? Either way, I feel Him, hear Him, and have seen Him move. I kinda feel like I have just put on a pair of glasses and a hearing aid. In everything He has been speaking has come back to obedience. There are so many times in our lives we feel like doing the complete opposite of what is "too difficult" - at least our version of difficult. The truth is when we avoid the "difficult task", we end up in a mess and have do exactly what we were suppose to do in the first place. Kind of no way to avoid God - not sure why we ever try.

Going back to before this morning's conversation, I was given some words of wisdom last night of "guard your heart". I felt my heart freeze immediately and everything in me said, "You can not do this, so just get out now and run." I couldn't shake it til the conversation this morning. I finally realized why I was guarding my heart. It wasn't for the purpose of relieving my heart of pain or avoiding hurt, it is for the sole purpose to be obedient to God. He comes first. Always. Period. Nothing can come before Him because that will sway our decisions and in turn cause a direct disobedience to what He has spoken to us. This basically means a daily/hourly/minute/second choice to say I will ask for Your direction, I will listen for Your voice, I will do Your will. Most of our tasks are not complicated. They are simple. The struggle between our will/thoughts and His is the biggest battle.

So as you enter a difficult time or come upon a big decision in your life, know that guarding your heart is a conscious decision to choose His will over yours in obedience to Him. In that obedience is so much protection and security for our hearts that we could not even begin to hold up in any situation.

The Importance of Obedience

2009-06-08T15:00:00.000-04:00

I think we all wonder why certain things happen in our lives. We struggle and question God. Our understanding just can't comprehend it. I've been battling that for some months now with everything I went through last year. I knew that God would show me what good would come from it or what the purpose was... just wasn't sure when He was going to do that.

I had been seeking God about something important in my life this past week. I felt as though His words were on repeat from the latter part of last year "rest". This put fear in my heart. I was convinced I was just making up stuff at this point and I was unable to hear His voice.

I went bed that night unable to sleep partially from being sick and just having so much on my mind. I began to pray. I knew God knew about this new fear... even before I figured it out. I heard Him say it again "rest". I said to myself "GOODNESS stop already!". I just laid there thinking why on earth do I keep hearing this word. And it hit me like a flood. This word of "rest" was not my mind playing tricks. It was not a made up story. It was God... speaking... to me. Our lives are one part prayer, one part listening, one part doing. I got the praying thing down, I got the listening thing down, I do not have the "doing" thing down.

If anyone knows me, I am a person who sees much. I see alot of the downsides of things and want to fix them. Most of the time I'm pretty good at doing so. I just have a solution minded brain. So you can only imagine when I'm told to sit still - it doesn't go over too well. So in all my efforts to make things "better" in my life last year - I made things worse because I was in direct disobedience from God. I let my fear of losing something be greater than my desire to obey God - kinda like the story of Jonah and the whale. Thankfully I was not dumped into the ocean and swallowed by a whale. I hate fish.

I feel so much peace at this time. I am confident in my God; my Father. He knows the greater picture. He has the best in store for me. Every good and perfect things comes from Him. He is my Rock; my Fortress. In Him, I put my trust.

Questions in Waiting.

2009-06-06T19:58:00.003-04:00

There are so many times in our lives when situations occur and we are left completely baffled. I for one... am in the middle of one right now. If any part of this made sense right now - would I have more peace? I am not sure. I guess I should consider myself blessed that for the most part I am at peace. I'm sad but I'm at peace. My heart fully knows God is in control and His ways are good and His timing is perfect. Maybe in a few days or weeks I will have an answer for this time. Maybe in the days to come this will be a fleeting thought. Generally, nothing is ever a fleeting thought to me... but this could be the exception.

I would like to send one text right now... that says "I hate this." I'm not sure what good it will do. It's over. Decisions have been made... now to live life in acceptance of those decisions. I'm not a fan of relationships. I'm not convinced they are even worth it.... somehow I find myself back in the same place, wondering the same exact things. Wondering how nothing makes sense and knowing that soon I will figure it all out... God does make it clear. It's not a matter of life or death... just wondering why this or that doesn't "work out" for us. I feel like God has majorly refined my heart in the last 5 months or so... does that not come with a greater prize than just the refinement? Why am I not satisfied with that? Why do I feel as though it merits a reward? I feel filled with so many questions. Like a whining child, I want an answer right now. All I feel God saying is to rest and be still. Seems like that is the answer I always hear in the times when I just want to run and make something happen. Maybe I am really hearing God... I keep questioning if it's Him or me just trying to make up something He's telling me. I have to be confident that my Father is at work. He knows where hearts lie and the intentions within. Why am I not satisfied with waiting on His perfect timing? Round and round I go. I know this time around I'm not kicking and screaming as I have in the past. I am sitting in my secret place where He has met me with His peace. I am surrounded in worship and love. I know He is near to me at this hour. I know He is repositioning hearts. I know He is shaping. I do not know the outcome... not sure I want to right now. Maybe waiting in this place isn't so bad at all?

Downtrodden, oh my soul....

2009-03-03T17:51:00.002-05:00

A series of unattainable events have left this heart feeling quite let down. When the walls of trust are broken and severed, there never seems a reason to even attempt to rebuild.

I am trying to accept the fact that I will never understand people and the stupidity of their decisions.

2009-01-14T09:00:00.002-05:00

Silence has spoken in the stillness
Whispering death to my ear
Dancing on your tongue
To the beat of demise growing inside.

The sun has set to dusk
But this heart is restless with regret
The moon shies his face
As the grave buries these dreams

Hah... nicely put.

2008-12-29T18:30:00.003-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97,

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable then my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice....now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and
beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of
yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium. Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them).

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me, I'm the sunscreen.

oh ye of little faith

2008-12-14T23:28:00.001-05:00

God's spoken.

It's not about doubting.

It's about obeying.

Believe.

Taking in the Sun

2008-12-14T23:11:00.001-05:00

We're born in broken-ness,
We live in loneliness
All our lives spent searching

We walk in wounded-ness
Fall in foolishness
All our lives spent longing to be free
I want to be, free to love

I'm breathing out this dirty air and I'm taking in the sun
I'm breathing out this dirty air and I'm taking in the sun

There's hope for our hopelessness
Relief from our restlessness
All our lives are beauty
We are free from our fallen-ness
Redeemed from our restlessness
All our lives are glory
We are free, I want to be, free to love

I'm taking in the sunlight
Dancing in the moonlight
Surrounded by the firelight
Breaking through the dawn

Christmas List

2008-12-06T18:11:00.003-05:00

Every year my mom asks for a list and it'll make it easier to just post it here:)

Ear buds
Towels - probably have to gift card these since I can't bring them back.
Love Spell - Victoria Secret - lotion, but prefer perfume
Dress Socks
Chapstick/Lipgloss
Guitar Strings - Elixar Acoustic 12
Salad Tongs
Leather Lotion or conditioner for my boots:)
Hair Straightner - I'd like a CHI but they are expensive... Amazon might have them for cheap.
Season 4 - The Office
The Dark Knight DVD

mystery

2008-11-28T02:21:00.011-05:00

After talking with a dear friend of mine, I felt as though her words had painted the mirror image of my own heart. The feelings, the motions, the prayers... Possibly only a half of a step ahead of her, feeling some-what confident, but fighting failure. Somewhere along the way the smokey smell of defeat had soaked into the threads of my clothing. No matter what direction I turned, it was following me.

Since I live on the other side of the universe, otherwise known as Charlotte, my late night drives are either done in silence or passed with a phone call to some unsuspecting soul that just might be awake. I was lucky enough for the other end of the line to pick up. We chatted about things involving their life and back about mine. The past few days I haven't felt like myself. The confidence I had walked in for the last month was fading. Instead, it was replaced with despair. I wondered to myself multiple times how I had sunk back into the pit I had battled so long to climb out of. Questioned by the reasons for all this made me think about words I had spoken earlier. Part of our duties as Christ followers is to die to our flesh daily:

Luke 9:23 (New International Version)

23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

Which in part means declaring to our souls and our minds and our bodies that the Word of God is truth and claiming His promises. Peace, patience, perseverance, grace, faith, trust... all gifts He has given so freely - ours for the taking! As I was talking about this, God gave me a picture of a baby learning to walk. No one expects an immobile child to just all of a sudden stand up and walk. In the beginning, a child must learn to pull himself up to a standing position. After much practice comes the attempted first step - wobbly and unsteady, followed by an immediate fall. These steps are repeated for quite some time. As we stand upon His promises and step out in faith - we are bound to fall and make mistakes and sometimes it might hurt - alot. Even in the midst of pain, we don't give up. Our goal is far too glorious to remain in a heap on the floor. Deep down we just want to make it across the room to the outstretched arms awaiting us with a giant smile and a voice that is crying out with joy, "COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT!"

It's never promised to us that stepping out in faith will be easy or painless. In fact the Bible is full of people stepping out, putting faith into action and waiting for God to do His thing - doesn't always tell us how their hearts despaired. God doesn't supply us with the details of His plans, but thankfully He did give us the Holy Spirit - who is there to guide us and move us in the right direction, to comfort us in times of defeat, and remind us that we CAN do it.

Im missing you...

2008-10-26T02:30:00.002-04:00

It's pretty simple. I miss everything about you. Seeing just makes it worse, knowing I can see you but not have any part of your heart or attention or touch. Could we even start with exchanging hellos without that being awkward?

My heart is sad. How did we get here?

sleep?

2008-10-21T00:13:00.006-04:00

I should be sleeping right now and yet I'm laying in bed after a failed attempt. I think the 2 hour nap this afternoon destroyed an early bedtime... maybe I should have said "early". Possibly a blog entry will enable my mind to rest. So here we go... or I go.

Yesterday was a different day. I woke up at the crack of dawn - literally, to ready myself to serve at church. I always ask myself why I do this as I'm shutting the alarm off, yet I keep doing it because I know it's worth it. I hadn't sung with the main team for a few weeks and hadn't led a song in months, but I was asked to sing the song 'Til I See You'. Here are the words:

The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord
And with all I am my soul will bless Your name

The song was scheduled to be sung at the end of the set. I was so excited to sing. To just give it all I had. And as the drums started the song, I felt my spirit jump. It was totally God's spirit speaking through this song and my vocal chords. I haven't sung like this either in a long time or ever. My heart just poured out... the line "You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me"... was just for me. And when the bridge began, I couldn't contain myself... I wanted to give every part of me to Him. If only I could sing exactly what my heart is feeling. How worthy is our God?

The entire worship was amazing. I was actually jumping during the song 'You'll Come'. I never jump. I can't even explain it except that I couldn't stand still. It was crazy. God is doing something amazing in my life and those around me. He is using me to speak wisdom and truth. I can no longer be silent. The time of mourning I endured this past year is definitely over. I am a changed being. I am standing on solid ground. I am confident in His word, in His voice, in His love. Life is what I speak, Worship is what I live, and Love is what I give.

my heart

2008-09-21T17:15:00.003-04:00

With no reason to fret, no reason to be anxious, no reason to worry... however, my heart is still sad. I wonder if God hears me. I know that is a silly statement. Of course He is listening, I just don't think my heart is grasping His words... believing them as truth. Why should I ever doubt or fear my Father? I hear Him but am awaiting failure. Maybe I just fear another let down or another piece of me to break. I honestly don't know if there is much left to break. I feel like I'm down to my core. There is one tiny little ounce I'm afraid of letting go. I know it's necessary, but I fear it won't come back. I know I must surrender. I have no choice. I just wish things would happen a little faster than the slow pace they are at. Maybe the rate at which time appears to move is much different than reality. God's moving hearts - I can see it, I feel it. Why on earth am I doubting? God, I need this to pass. I need to trust completely... 99.9% will hardly do. So God... here's my written confession. Dated. I lay this down. This love deep inside. My most cherished thing next to You. It's Yours. I know You are holding it now. You are re-shaping it into what You can use. For Your glory. No more tears... for the time of mourning is over.

Your Hands

2008-09-18T12:34:00.004-04:00

BY KATIE HERZIG, JJ AND DAVID HELLER

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

PRAYER POWER

2008-09-18T12:34:00.001-04:00

Matt. 6: 5,6

1. Importance of Prayer

Most important tool given to us by God
Devil will try to prevent your prayers
Our desire to be with God will increase
Key to releasing God’s power and blessings
Knowledge of Him will increase
We will become “one” with Him in prayer
Cannot truly succeed unless we pray
Prayer increases faith, faith increases prayer

2. How to Pray

Dialogue with God, not monologue
Commit every day to prayer
Listen for His voice, trained spiritual ears
Specific in prayers (Luke 11:11,12)
Pray without ceasing (1Thess. 5:17)
Expect answers! (1John 5:14,15)
Be bold (James 5:16b)

3. Getting Answers to Prayer

Find His will in each situation you pray about (John 5:30b; 6:38; 7:17)
Pray His Kingdom come, His will be done

Pray FOR what is allowed in heaven
Pray AGAINST what is not allowed in heaven

Hindrances

Sin (Prov. 28:9; John 9:31; Is. 59: 1,2; Lam. 3:40-44)
Lack of faith (Mark 11: 24,25; James 1:6-8; Heb. 11:6)
Selfishness (James 4:2-3)
Lack of compassion (heartless) (Prov. 21:13)
Domestic Problems (1Peter 3:7)
Pride and self-righteousness (Job 35:12-13; Luke 18:13-14)
Being out of His will (1John 3:22)
Disobedience (1John 3:22)
Unforgiveness (Mark 11:25-26)

Those who get answers:

Righteous
Abide in Him
Delight in Him
Trust in Him
Needy
Suffering
Oppressed
Widows and Fatherless

4. Types of Prayer

Personal Prayer (a.k.a. Quiet Time)

Follow example Jesus gave (The Lord’s Prayer)

Intercessory Prayer

Praying for others
Agreement is key
Pray Scripture – powerful!
Pray in the Spirit – also powerful!

5. Our Authority

Know our authority
NO FEAR!
Stand on the Word of God
Pray Scripture (follow Jesus’ example)
Use Jesus’ name (John 14: 13,14)

6. Fasting

Valuable

Brings humility
Spiritual wisdom and impartation
Brings a breakthrough
Overcomes selfishness in us (food-hold)
Intensifies prayer life

Methods of Fasting
1. Partial (Daniel’s fast)
2. Absolute (water only, no food)
3. Supernatural (40 days)
4. Corporate
Expected (not “if” but “when” you fast)

Rejoice... the time of mourning is over.

2008-09-15T08:01:00.001-04:00

Philippians 4:4-9 (New International Version)

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

I only dreamt of you...

2008-09-09T10:58:00.001-04:00

i see thy love in the distance
breathless gasping for air, for in thy dreams you where
awakening to the bleakness in my room
as my eyes begin to blear reality sets and starts the fear
for do dreams come true or do i die alone
waiting like the petals of a wilting flower fall off
until there is non and the once beautiful flowers dies naked
with no one to clothe it
will i hold you in the grave or will the grave hold me?
the numbing dreams never end the swallow's wings still amongst
the idle wind
my colored wold turns to gray scale
recollecting the memories eyes covered hazel
contradiction of thy thoughts standing calm love not lost
searching till i find my princess whose passionate eyes cut right through me
for what is life if love only exists in thy thoughts?
what is romance if it is all fiction?
nothing but a portrait left empty, a passing cloud of hurt
by to meet ym love in the flesh is to find my whole heart
your heart breaks though me your love is the key
longing for my hearts door
to what day till i see sun rays shine upon your face
i dream of you the way you look
the beating of love in your heart
your wolds are like the flowing of a spring, knowing thy love
waits for me until eternity's end
is this poetry or is this love's sickness
engulfing my every being
take the heart from you and the blood ceases from me
i see what you hear
breathe taking the closest thing to me and my savior
falling in love to a person i have never met
but knowing she has salvation's fragrance
by God's grace this love will be free and able to fly away above
the earth to a point of exhaustion
but your breath will keep me alive
words are pointless for this love is speechless
preparing fro the curtains close
laying their clutching hands so tight i can feel your heart
telling me it will be all right
ascension to heaven where this love can not only walk
but it runs through the endless fields of joy
where love neither ends nor begins but flows everlasting
this was thy dream this daybreak and will by thy prayer
that i will rest sleepless till the sun rises on that day
and butterflies sing with us as we write love symphony
the pages of life fill the story of our love in a time long ago
where fairy tales come true
and you and i my love will live happily ever after
i love you

You have me inside and out.

2008-09-03T08:53:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting in joyful anticipation. There is a peace so overwhelming that tears slip periodically in honor and serve as a reminder of God's faithfulness, His love, His goodness to us... His children. How precious are His thoughts of us? How perfect are His plans and His ways? My feet are dancing even though I'm standing still. The celebration is of this path I'm on. No more mud, no more sinking... The seas are peaceful, the sun is shining on my face, the wind is at my back, I can see His face clearly in my heart. Our Father is so faithful... and so in love with us.

I haven't felt so free in so long.

grace, strength, and patience

2008-05-12T13:58:00.004-04:00

I need these all in 10 fold right now. 3 more hours left to work. I wish there was a way to fast forward. Naeme was preaching about enjoying the season you are in, but I really am not enjoying this. I'm no longer heart broken. I'm not hurting. I'm flat out struggling. I have the most delightful , most beautiful, most desirable temptations in my face and me denying it is like climbing Mount Everest. I'm just about to the top... I'd be a bit farther but I've been sitting in a giant pitt of muck which I think I mistook for vat of chocolate. Why is denying yourself so difficult? I've found when I'm in a place like this - I start to deny myself other things like food and sleep... mostly. Reflecting a bit the last couple of weeks, I've realized I haven't purchased clothing or much of anything cept too much starbucks. Thats the next thing to go. No more fraps for a while. Anyone who knows me, knows I am in LOVE with java chip fraps. This should be fun to see how long this lasts.

I didn't sleep very well the past 2 nights. I realized during worship last night that I was heading down the wrong path again mainly because I had put off the inevitable. I could see myself losing ground and I was reaching out for what ever I could to reel everything back in. Confrontation sucks for both parties. It wasn't something I wanted to address or verbalize to this person. Facing the facts for both of us will be a hard swallow, but someone had to do it. So I did. I've got nothing in reply. It's to be expected. He's angry with my decision. At least it's the only logical conclusion I can scrounge up. All day I've been wondering if I made the right choice. Am I ready to put to rest this relationship? No more special times with this person. No more one on one hang outs or secretly traded smiles in a crowded room. I've decided that God is more important and the purity of my heart is what He longs for... and so it is. This is my sacrifice. It's a pretty big one.

God.... just give me the strength to make it thru this.....

not all those who wander are lost

2008-04-25T11:25:00.001-04:00

but where oh where has my heart gone?

From glory to glory

2008-03-26T15:49:00.002-04:00

I wish I could go and fall asleep in the sun in the grass somewhere... where no bugs would crawl on me or person or animal would harm me. Not happening in this city. I feel like I need to connect with God somehow, somewhere... I dont know how or where. I just want to lay in His presence and somehow the sun seems like a good way to somehow feel Him near me. It's that or I crawl under a big giant rock and hide out for the next ten years and some how avoid all the feelings in my heart. I dunno where God is taking me or what He is doing in me. I wonder if I've just been fighting it for a while and haven't realized it. Is there about to a break thru? I really hope so. There is no resolution to this entry. I just need God so much right now... where do I find Him?

Coming back to "normal"

2008-03-25T08:38:00.004-04:00

I took a step yesterday and the rest followed without thought. Sleep was a bit interrupted, but better than the night prior. How come the unknown is so scary? Maybe this is good and keeping my heart in check. Such an unpleasant process I am in, but somehow I wouldn't change it... even if I could. The past few weeks I've been given the chance to take a step back in a few areas in my life. One of them has been in worship... worship away from the stage. As weird as it sounds, it's been more uncomfortable for me to worship in the crowd than on stage. I've had such an attitude about it, but I realized on Sunday that it's been good for me to worship beside my brothers and sisters in Christ instead of in front of them. To just go for it with my entire being. I want to carry this back onto the stage. I want to carry this out into every minute of my day and all week long.

I've realized that how I feel towards people in truly within myself and not really how anyone treats me. No matter what craziness is flying around me or what messed up story comes my way, I am who I am. I am a daughter of Christ. Unique. Eclectic. Beautiful. I dance in His glory. I walk in His light. I exist in His presence. I am complete because of His love. He is the reason I live.

mercy

2008-03-24T08:32:00.006-04:00

There were a few extra bounces to my steps yesterday - for most of the day. The sun was shining brightly in the sky as brightly as my heart felt. It's kinda sad how fast things change and cloud our thoughts. I'm wondering why I am consistently reminded of what my heart longs for... but is it truly what I should long for? I went to bed confused and just tossed and turned all night and anxiously awoke to the morning. I wish that my heart was truly nested in the hands of the One who created it. I know it is, but I keep trying to take it back. Somehow I feel shaky and weak and alone. I find it odd what I keep telling myself and the emotions that fight back. It's like one annoying broken record.

There is this song that fits my heart right now:

Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love. And it serves to remind me that what I have means nothing at all compared to your glory, oh Lord. How long ‘till your voice speaks clearly? How long ‘till your arms envelope me? I cry – be my strength when I am weak. Oh Lord, have mercy on me please. My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak. I cry in your arms now. God, grant me the strength to rest in you. I lift my hands and cry.

Right now I truly need God to grant me the strength to rest in Him. To put His arms around me and remind me I'm not alone, that He holds ALL the answers, and in Him I am complete. I pray that my prayers are not in vane. I want to hear the voice of God and for Him to be the light to this path I'm on. I know that He is here... maybe I'm just afraid since I can't see past the moment I am in.

It's good to be reminded what mercy means:

something that gives evidence of divine favor

We are so unworthy of mercy, but I somehow need alot of it right now. I am in need of divine favor for my weary heart. Speak clearly to me today, Lord... I beg this of You.

putting on my pants... one leg at a time.

2008-03-21T11:08:00.005-04:00

Where to even begin. I feel that way almost every day doing menial tasks and not so menial tasks. It should be as simple as 1 - 2 - 3, but somehow the sudden drop in the track takes you by surprise and butterflies more than flutter in your stomach. A flood of thoughts fill your mind and you try to remind yourself why you decided to get on this ride in the first place. I wonder who is really living within reality or who has conned their heart into believing everything is ok. This world is a crazy one in which we exist based on feelings. Last night someone said to me "Life just isn't that hard". The truth is... it is... when we are trying to carry it all on our own. We weren't designed to do so - our hearts just can not contain all the hurt thrown at us, let alone someone elses. How in the world have I been alive the last few weeks? How can you focus on positives when craps being thrown in your face? It's like a healing wound that you just keep picking at the scab. Pour some Jesus on it and let Him fix it. That's exactly what I think I finally realized. I can't heal my heart with any more words or tears. I can't walk away or abandon the place I'm in because I know that what's in our heart and on our backs will just come with us. It's about making a choice where you are at. To take off the back pack that has been overflowing with junk and hand it over. Why in the world do we carry it around til we are gasping for air, our legs are about to give out, and we have no strength left? Why do we try to accomplish God-tasks when there is no way we ever could?

It's simple really. God's asked us to put one pant leg on at a time. He didn't ask us to command the pants onto our bodies or sew them to ourselves or anything crazy like that. He said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28). So simple. So wonderful. My burden is off, it's at His feet. My heart has been exposed with hurt for too long. I will let His word be my stitches, my crutch, my foundation. This is my resolution.

Adult?

2008-02-19T00:24:00.002-05:00

It's funny to me to think that I'm adult. I think I'll forever feel 19 or 21... I suppose that is an adult, but I forget that I'm really an adult. I pay all my own bills. I own my own house and drive a new car I paid for all by myself. I have a job that people depend on me for that pays me a wonderfully large sum of money. People take my advice to heart and mind.

I'm about to enter into a day that I'm somewhat dreading and somewhat so excited for. To see God move in my own heart and potentially the heart of others. The passion in me is not dead - I swear it's just on hold waiting for the gun fire to alert the race once again. I am in love with grace. I have felt so much that I have lost, yet the finish is clearly no where in sight. How could I give up now? There is so much left to be revealed. So many miles left to run. So what if it has rained and the ground is muddied? The sun will shine again. The ground will dry. My second wind will return this passion as it does each time.

A friend said something interesting to me today. He said you are pretty tough - all this you've gone through. It's true I suppose. I just feel weary. But I am confident. God has yet to let me down... even with all these questions floating through my brain... there will be answers.

What?

2008-02-18T08:29:00.002-05:00

It just dawned on me about how much I dread the weekends. I used to love them. Funny how things change... I wish they'd change a little bit more.

Too Many Questions...

2008-02-13T07:51:00.003-05:00

I'm trying to figure out the best way to allow my heart to heal. I wonder if writing would help cause talking doesn't. For once in my life, I don't feel like talking to anyone about anything. Everything feels like one giant circle, circulating around one thing that is definitely not worth my time or the chunk of my heart that has been left in the middle of the circle to be trampled upon - right where I put it. Sometimes I despise the person I am because I am so passionate about the things that I do, that in the end it leaves the door wide open for hurt. I've wondered my entire life how to guard my heart. I somewhat think it's impossible - at least for me. You can't avoid hurt in life. It's just impossible - that's if you want to love at all. I know God has something incredible for me to learn from this entire process. I do not understand any of it one bit. I even try to look back over the past few months and do not see any ounce of good. Maybe I need to step back even more before I can. I'm not sure. Normal people get to walk away and go their separate directions, but for me, not being your normal, average Joe, I get to be stuck right dab in the middle of what feels like a knife to the middle of my chest. The feeling of being happy only lasts an hour or two and then I'm back to this weird state. I try not to think at all because that is where anxiety sets in. I am not sure why. What am I exactly afraid of? There is really nothing much more that can be taken from me. I guess the last love is music. If that goes away, then I think I'd feel very unpurposed and I would really question me being in Charlotte all together. God's made it clear to me that I must cling only to Him... maybe that is why everything else feels like a sinking ocean. I'm really not sure. I'm 50/50 on the thoughts of having someone really close right now. Fortunately, there is no one - one less person to get hurt cause I know I would hurt them. Rebounds are just plain suicidal. I dunno. I just feel plain crazy. No matter what I do, it doesn't change my heart. I can only imagine what I'd feel like without being able to cry out to God. I'm trying to remember back 3 years ago when I went thru this before. It was different then, only because his face was hidden from me. I'm definitely a stronger person this time, I just need to a way out of this slump. I'm not sure why I'm even in this slump. Why can't I feel happy? Why does my heart want something my head knows is impossible? Why can't I just make myself run away? Why does my heart hope when there is no hope? Why does it seek after something that is lost? Why? Why? Why?

I don't get any of this. If I think about it... it's all stupid... every last bit of the last 6 months has been in vain. What a waste of time, energy, and my heart. I've lost sleep, weight, and brain cells. I've strived for something that was probably never there. I prayed so much about this - what and where did I go wrong? Seriously, what was/is God trying to teach me? I guess I'm just a product of a bundle of bad choices. If I could rewind 6 months and ignore those messages, I wouldn't be in this mess today. Hindsight is always a wonderful concept... If I was to re-live the past 6 months, what would I have done differently? My focus would have been different. So how can I fix that now? I wish there was one thing I could be sure about and run with. God, I know you see these thoughts... help me. I'm so desperate to find my way out of this hole... this ugly pit... to feel beautiful and new in You. To love Your people unconditionally. To never cease singing Your praises with my entire being. I want this so desperately, but how do I do this? How many times do I need to lay all this crap at your feet and not take it back 5 minutes later? How do I hold on to Your peace that is at my feet? How do I put down and away my own desires and only hold onto Your desires for me? I want to know this! I want to be free. I want to run and not be weary! I know You have gone before me, God... I need to see You in this. I need to feel You in my heart. I need to feel Your arms around me. I need Your touch so desperately!

Something new

2008-02-07T19:13:00.000-05:00

God's doing something new in my heart. It's like I've been sleeping and for far too long.

Unleashed Fear

2008-01-30T08:30:00.000-05:00

It's been almost a month. I've really had nothing to say. My heart has felt like a lifeless lump in the middle of my chest and the only time I know that it's still somewhat alive is when it hurts so much tears fall from my eyes. What is this that God is asking of me? What is this that I can't see past? I hear Him so clearly, but I wake up to chaos every morning. I know that I have nothing to fear and He is in control. In the past every time I've felt this way it has been nothing, but every time I'm in the middle of it, I can't see past it. All God is asking of me is to be still and trust Him. Why is this so hard? Why can't it be as simple and secure as holding a pillow to your chest? I want to hold on... why can't I just cling to Him? I know fully of His promises and what He has asked of me, but all I do is battle.

I realized last night that there is nothing I have to prove to God. He knows the inner and outer workings of our hearts, our passions, our desires. He authored them. There is no room for fear in our walks with Him. It's like an uncontrollable dog on a leash. It'll yank you around, drag you down the street, and in the end inevitably hurt you. The only choice you have is to let go of it. It's so silly cause there is no point in holding on. Do we really believe that God is bigger than the air we breath? Big enough to move a mountain? Big enough to speak to the heart of His beloved? To my beloved?

I need to remember to guard my thoughts. I know this entry probably seems like a circle, but I'm learning this all... slowly...

My heart. What a mess.

2007-12-31T10:18:00.000-05:00

I've been slacking on posting. Not that I need to point that out. It's New Years Eve and I'm laying in bed... in my guest room. It's odd changing the room you sleep in. I'm not sure why.

I logged on today in hopes of trying to sort thru my thoughts. It's crazy how things seem to be going well and moving forward even though you are struggling a bit and then how quickly they can come crashing down. I'm definitely completely confused in life right now. The sad part is it seems to be all resting on one thing and not where it should. All this frustration is turning to anger. My patience has worn thin - which makes me wonder if I had any to begin with. The voice I thought was God telling me to hold on and to trust and to wait seems to be non existent at this point in time. I'm weary. There is no clarity. My heart feels lessened to worthlessness... untreasured and on it's way to death. How did I get here? How could I let anything or anyone make me feel this way? I promised myself that this blog wouldn't be about my woes, but I'm having a hard time with life. The cherry's are falling on everyone's banana splits except mine. The ice cream has melted and the bananas are brown and the whipped cream whithered. Everyone's probably wondering why I don't just throw it away and ask for a new one. For some reason I keep looking at it hoping something will come to life.

Honestly, I'm tired of where my life is going. So mundane. I hate this feeling. It always comes and goes for me. I know I should feel blessed, yada yada yada. I'm sure some people look at my life and would like to trade with me, but the truth is, right now, I'd like to trade with someone else. Why is it that the things I am most passionate about seem to get trampled upon? Right now I wish I was 10 again. All I had to worry about doing was going to school and having fun.

I feel far from God's side right now. But I'm too knowledged to know that He hasn't moved. I'm tired of praying the same prayer. I'm tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. I'm tired of not truly knowing what He wants of me. This waiting game is not fun. I don't feel peace about moving though and that is the part that sucks because everything in me wants to make a move. In the midst of this craziness I'm feeling, I hear God's voice telling me to be still. I do not understand, but I keep hearing it over and over in my head:

"Be still, and know that I am God;"
Psalms 46:10

The other verse that talks about being still is low and behold Psalms 37... why do I fret? why do I reach out for everything/anything to hold on to when all He has asked of me is to hold on to Him - the only sure thing in my life.

I've had tears in my eyes throughout this post. I feel peace upon reading His word. How simple was that? The waves are crashing and the wind is blowing and I have panicked. Why? There is no reason to because I have the only thing that will keep me from harm inside of me, holding my heart. Why do I doubt?

This song is my heart... let it ring out into this new year:

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Busy or Lazy?

2007-12-14T07:23:00.000-05:00

So I have not updated this blog in over a week. I'm not sure if its from the craziness of December/holidays of being busy or just being lazy or just trying to not think. One of my best friends and I were talking about life and she made some obnoxious comment and I proceeded to correct her. She insisted on standing her ground with her statement. She said sometimes you have to think one way in order to keep your heart from wondering off on it's own path. Though I still think she is lying to herself, it is somewhat of a good concept. We have to take captive our thoughts. I'm still at this crossroads. Oddly enough, I'm not tired of sitting here yet. I feel as though the action of sitting - which required way more work initially - has actually strengthened me and my heart is at peace. I will continue to wait upon Him and be diligent in all that He asks of me til He moves my heart.

The other day I was having a discussion with a very dear friend and he said something to me about this situation that maybe it wasn't from God since it was a big focus. Honestly, I believe God allows situations to occur in order for us to be shaped so that we are able to do what He has for us. The awesomeness of all of this is that God has ultimately been the focus. It has always come back to Him. Him drawing my heart to His. Him giving a push to get my attention. Him guiding me to this place in order to use me. He has been preparing me for something amazing. I do not believe this time has been in vain. He has united my heart with similar hearts that have been there to listen, encourage, pray... through this process I have drawn close to His Spirit. I hope that I never stray from this place again.

And so I will wait upon the Lord.

Holding On

2007-12-03T08:46:00.001-05:00

I feel as though I have not had much time to reflect with traveling and staying so busy over the weekend. But there is always a need to release what is in my heart even when I'm not even sure what is going on in there. Florida was a breath of fresh air. It was so nice to be pampered for a few days in a luxurious hotel and consume as much food as I could eat. Though by Friday afternoon I was very ready to come back to my home in Charlotte. I've been here now for over 4 years. I never thought I would ever consider this home, but it is. It is where my heart is. I was telling a friend yesterday that the holidays are so hard for me because I want to see my family, but still be here with my family. There is something about this city that is familiar and when I think of Charlotte I think of love. Ask me that when I first moved here, I would have shot you down. Not literally, but isn't it wonderful how God changes our hearts?

Something that has been on repeat in my heart is remembering when God tells me to move to move and to stand still that I wait, to be quiet and listen and to speak and be bold... Yesterday I woke up after a night of tossing and turning and felt like I was suppose to go to visit another church - one that I've wanted to visit for a while now. I mulled over every excuse in the book, but I made myself get up and go. It was good for my spirit to go and just worship as a member of the body of Christ, to have communion for the first time in years, and to feel new and beautiful. Yesterday was a day I'm not sure I can explain. Much like my heart. I keep feeling as though I've lost a key that would unlock this treasure of beauty, but the truth is, God is holding the key and holding my treasure. It's one of the hardest things to see and touch the very thing your heart longs for, but know that you must wait. Waiting on God is some what of a foreign concept. I've talked about this before, but the truth is, we are so used to getting pumped to get up and go and do whatever it is we feel God asked us to do that we fail to remember that there is beauty and peace and strength when we wait upon Him. It is amazing to be broken because I know God is so near to me. He feels every ache, hears every cry, and sees every tear. His arms are wrapped so tightly around you - you may not know it, but He is... I couldn't bare to think what I'd feel like if He was even one inch away from where He is now. He has gone before us and walked the exact steps we are walking. As for me, I've made a nice butt print in the sand, my head is burrowed deeply in His chest to hear His very heart beat. I will command my heart to be patient and my mind to cease any anxious thoughts. My life is a vessel for Him and nothing less. I will not settle. I will not run away. I will proclaim His promises. I will trust. And I will be victorious.

this is my sabbath...

2007-11-28T22:06:00.000-05:00

The company I work for is based out of Naples, FL. My boss came to me a few weeks ago and asked me to pick a week to come down to visit with everyone. There was no real purpose in my visit, but just to come. I was pretty much opposed to the idea, even though I knew I had to come anyways. He was kind enough to make sure I left after the weekend ended and returned before it started. So here I am.

My hotel room could be mistaken for my second apartment. It came complete with 2 televisions, washer and dryer, full stocked kitchen, dining room, living room, king size bed, and a patio overlooking the olymipic sized pool. The ocean is less than a mile away, though I have not walked to the beach. I should. Maybe tomorrow I will take 30 mins to go sit.

Last night I was determined to not be a home body, but to venture out and try something new. I was to conquer one of my fears - eating alone. I've never done it before - at least not in a restaurant. I made my way to Books-A-Million and found a book to burry my face in, in hopes that I would look less loser-ish. How awkward to say "just one" when the hostess asks how many, even worse when the waiter checks on you every 5 seconds. I felt the need to announce I was there on business to some how raise any thoughts he had towards me, but I think he still felt bad for me and my book. I left him a nice tip. I can't say I would like to do this on a regular basis. However, I think it was good for me. I haven't done something uncomfortable in a while. I like being out of my comfort zone in some ways. I used to do it every weekend while I was touring around doing music. I've forgotten how it was to feel awkward for more than 5 minutes.

Even though I was dreading this trip away from everyone, it's been good to rest. I've been on an internet fast for about a week now. You are probably wondering how I am typing this or working, but my fast only included myspace, facebook and aim. I was wasting so much time online, winding my heart around drama that probably didn't even really exist. But giving this all a break has been good. I feel good. I feel peace. I feel hopeful. I am excited to see what this weekend will bring with out new practice time and group, and worship on Sunday night.

the importance of you

2007-11-26T22:31:00.000-05:00

"You are your own worst critique."

We've all heard the phrase before. After watching American Idol, I would beg to differ. I'm sure most of the show is all an act, but there are plenty of people who have big heads and no talent to hold them up. There are points in time where I think I'm not good at anything or mediocre at a bunch of different things and every once in a while I'll believe that I'm really good at something. I think we realize our greatest flaws when we meet someone or discover something new. We compare and contrast what we possess with them, deciding whether or not we rank higher or lower. This is ludicrous. God has given each of us talents and abilities, uniquely fashioned to fit and be used within His body - 1 Cor 12. I like to look at it as one giant puzzle. Every piece is necessary to make the masterpiece complete. In a 1000 piece puzzle you could have 999 pieces and yet there would be a hole, which would stick out like a sore thumb.

Recently, I've been convicted of a couple things. One is faulting myself that I'm not that great of a guitarist or pianist - do I practice? Never. What excuse do I have? You are right... none. Could I be great... maybe, maybe not, but I think I've spent more time and energy complaining that I'm not good instead of actually making time to practice. My second guilty obsession has been putting down my vocal abilities. If there was one thing that has not changed since I was a little girl, it was my love and passion for singing. Even when I was told I couldn't sing at all or I never sang the song right, I still loved it and persevered right pass all the negative comments. If there was a place to sing, I was singing. If there wasn't a place to sing, I made one:) I'm not sure why the very thing that I love, I would ever lower to a level it did not belong.

Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity.
-1 Timothy 4:12

Paul wasn't address the age of a person, but pointing out that God would use them even though the gifts, talents and abilities were not perfected. And by "no one", he is talking even about putting down yourself. God has given me a gift. It is beautiful. I am absolutely honored that I can glorify His name every Sunday at Mosaic in worship. I don't think I can even begin to express the joy it brings to be able to make my heart an audible melody for God to hear and for the ears of His people.

My point is, there will always be opinions. It doesn't matter how many compliments I get or whether or not I think I sang a song well, but it is all about God being glorified, being an open vessel for Him to speak through my lungs, and for this, it can be nothing but beautiful.

Surrender

2007-11-25T20:13:00.000-05:00

You would think with a 4 am wake up call, by 8pm I'd be exhausted physically and mentally and wouldn't be able to keep myself awake, but I've found myself just laying in bed thinking about so many things. Reflecting over the past year of what my heart has been thru. Lots of change. Church, boss/job, friends, guys... Only leaves me wondering if it's only my heart that feels trampled upon.

I was driving home today and my heart just physically ached. It's been a while since this has happened - probably a year or two. I'm not sure why today was any different than any other. I know God's doing something inside of me, but I'm not quite sure. I have earnestly prayed for His words to fall upon my ears in counsel and that my heart would be guarded and covered by His blood. Generally I am always the one driving, but earlier today I decided to lay low and get a ride with a friend. We were sharing some of life's craziness and he said something interesting to me, "When you wait upon the Lord, He will renew your strength." - Which is from Isaiah 40:31:

"But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint. "

Kind of one of those times when it feels like a bowling ball hit you directly in the stomach even though I know I've heard that scripture reference a million times. I think it's been waiting for the situation or circumstance to change instead of waiting on Him. I've been doing my best to run to Him... but waiting on Him? To be still and patient until He makes everything clear?

I think we mistake God's will for an instantaneous happening of what we think should occur after we've made huge strides in our walk with Him, but that is not always the case. Waiting does not mean easy, does not mean there will be no tears or sadness or frustration. Right now, I'm at a fork in the road. I am very uncertain of which direction to take, but that is ok because God has told me to wait. So at the fork I will sit. It is very unlike me to sit still and I easily frustrate when I feel like I'm not moving forward, but I think there is a beauty in the stillness of our spirit. If we could only stop our minds from racing. If only I could. I'm struggling. I want so much to do what God wants and yet I'm looking every which way trying to figure it all out. There is no way out except to wait like a ship caught in a storm while at sea. My heart is grieving in surrender as I let His waves of mercy wash over me. So many tears have fallen and so many yet to fall. I know without a doubt that in the end, there will be nothing but victory and glory brought to His name and for His cause. Just a matter of prayer... continuous prayer.

Time to take off the running shoes

2007-11-19T07:34:00.001-05:00

This past week and into the weekend has been a blur. There has been a constant business. I love being busy but this has been insane. I feel as though I can not think straight or focus, but all I can think of is sleeping or the next thing I need to do. By yesterday afternoon I felt like a truck ran over me - not physically but emotionally. Everything in me was dragging. I couldn't shake this horrible feeling of wanting to run away from this place God has brought me. Feelings of being secluded from everyone, not fitting in, every measly joke just so cutting... just not like me. I knew something was wrong but I wasn't recognizing it. It took our worship pastor, Gil, stepping in and being like we need to pray for you and the rest of the leaders, Sidney and Weston, came and laid hands on me. Something definitely lifted off of me and a peace came over me. There was no doubt in my heart or mind that I needed to be on stage. Something was about to happen. I wiped the tears from my face and stood boldly and led worship before the Lord and with a group of people, my church family, that I love so much. God came and fell so mightily in that place.

For the past 3-4 months we have led in the mornings and every other week at Visualite on Sunday nights. I've always had this love for each Sunday we were privileged to lead worship at the Visualite. Gil came to Weston and I about a month ago and asked us to pray/think about leading that campus. It was an exciting and odd thought all at the same time. We both kind of felt pushed out of the way since we would only be leading one service instead of 3, but something started to grow in us as we acknowledged this as an opportunity to step up, be true leaders, and be on our faces before Him in a new way. Most of the people who attend are unchurched and do not know how to really worship. Sometimes we'd be on stage having an amazing time of worship and you'd open your eyes to look into the a crowd of blank still faces. So disheartening, but I believe God is going to use us to change this. I believe He is going to use us to lead by example, to train other musicians how to use their talents and worship God at the same time, and network with other churches and bring unity within musicians in Charlotte. I know God has something completely new for that place and He's got our hearts open and ready. I know the Devil has been trying to tear it down, break it up, and completely destroy it by using our hearts and emotions. I've spent the last month being shoved around unable to sleep well, eat well, or function. I haven't been myself. It's been so hard. I see all too well now this storm I've been in was way more than just a test of God asking me to trust Him, it was more of God saying trust me, stay with me, draw near to me because I have something so amazing for you. I am so privileged to jump head first into this new role and to be a vessel of God. I've been filled up and emptied out. I am broken for Him and the call He's put on my life. I am ready.

Go Fish

2007-11-15T07:54:00.000-05:00

I love spontaneity. I think if you knew me growing up that you would laugh at that because I used to have to have everything planned out to the t. Something changed in me and I rarely plan much out, the bad thing is scheduling for me. Even those important things like sleeping, eating, and going to gym. Somehow I'm still alive:)

Last night my friend IM'd me and was like let's go find the Township Auditorium. So that's just what we did. We traveled all of 75 miles to Columbia to see David Crowder, Phil Wickham, and the Myriad. I thought I was going to leave the place with a heart filled with worship with good ole Davey Crocket, but instead the very first band who was probably the least worshipful said something that I hope never leaves me. He was talking about his life being a roller coaster, but that God was there feeling everything his heart was feeling. I guess sometimes I feel as though God just sees us hurting and will come to our aid if we cry out to Him, but never thought about His own heart towards us. But it's true, He's closest to the broken hearted,

"The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,"
(ps 34:18)

I've heard this verse a million times. I swear. How awesome is it that He is there in every foot step, every fall, every tear, every ache. How much greater is my love for Him to know He's holding my heart, my hand, my life. He's already walked the path that I'm on. He knows my struggles and my unfaithful, weary heart and yet He loves me just the same. I am not sure I can even begin to fathom Him love for me... for you. It is completely mind boggling. I wish my heart and mind would never forget or waiver on His promises, but oh how they think they know better.

Make sure you let God know you love Him. It is like honey on His lips or if you hate honey... the most tasty food you've ever eaten... times a million.

Simplicity

2007-11-13T07:21:00.000-05:00

God is love.

Such a simple verse out of 1 John, but those 3 words hold so much meaning. I'm not sure I can even begin to explain the emotion/feeling that passes over me when I say those words. I've been praying that my life would reflect Him and seeking Him for what He would have for me to do for Him as if there was some road I was suppose to turn on or door I'm suppose to walk thru. Sunday marked the beginning of a new set of classes at church. Our worship pastor thought it'd be good for us to attend them for additional disciplining. The topic was Bible study. I love how God works. Lately, everything He's put on my heart is confirmed by something going on at church. I've really had a burden to pray, followed up with some Bible reading.

During elementary school into middle school, Pizza Hut was my hero. They used to have this program where you set a goal of how many books you would read in a month and then if you met it, you'd get a free pizza. A nice little incentive. I'd burn thru books in a day and even avoid going to sleep because I wanted to finish them. Unfortunately either Pizza Hut stopped doing this and/or they didn't offer it for high schoolers. So my love and drive for reading some what came to a screeching halt.

Reading the Bible has always been something I've known I should do. I've always been intrigued how pastors would etch their sermons around multiple verses in such a profound way, but I never took the time to do my own study. Thank God for His grace and mercy. Somehow everything is changing. These words in this amazing book called the Bible really do have life in them and they can and do apply to my life. To take what I've had drilled into my brain all my life and apply it to what is happening now. Amazing.

This morning I was making the exchange from the washer to the dryer and I was praying for a dear friend of mine that God's spirit would be over his family and love would fill their home. All of a sudden a song that we used to sing in Sunday school came into my head. "His banner of me, is love... 1 John 4:7&8". I was like I need to read 1 John 4. Here it was all along. What God is beckoning my heart to do. Love.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

It reads that God is love and those who do not love God do not know Him. Which means they do not know love. Seriously just hit me over the head. What an empty feeling this must be. To not know true love... to not know God. Wow. Makes me wonder where I've had my heart. God's also been speaking to me about getting my focus off myself. I led a song at church on Sunday and it repeats a line, "It's not for us(me), it's all for You". It's so true. We aren't here for to make millions or just for fun. We were placed where we are to show/share/live His love. So if I want to exude Jesus as I expressed a few days ago, then all I have to do, is love. So simple, yet so profound. Love.

missing the feathers and the leathers

2007-11-10T08:36:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a friend of mine sleep over. She's adorable in every sense of the word. When you see her your heart just lights up and her laughter is contagious. Unfortunately she is allergic to animals which includes the feathery piece of heaven I sleep with every night. I purchased this comforter off of Overstock.com - great place, you really should check it out. Ever since it arrived in the mail, it's covered the top of my bed. I suppose I never put much thought into how much I enjoy it until last night . Even with a pile of blankets upon us, the 100's of geese that gave their life for my luxury were greatly missed.

Sunday I brought my Bible to church. It's a rarity. Some of you are thinking, what a heathen! But before you get your undies in a bunch, our church puts all scriptures within the sermon up on the big screen and by big screen, I mean big screen - we meet in a movie theater:) However, since this was not a normal practice for me, my leather bound Christmas gift from 2001 was lost in the crazy clean-up confusion. I've resorted to a pocket sized, pea-sized-text Bible. Last night I was attempting to read a few scriptures before bed and it took me a while because of all the words crammed into such a small space. I think for the first time in my life, I miss my Bible. The thoughts of losing the highlighted, note filled, crooked underlines Word of God is a bit heart wrenching. I have high hopes it's laying on the floor in Theater 9 of the AMC theaters at NorthLake or else tucked away in someone's car/home. I suppose if someone picks it up and it blesses them, then it's completely worth the loss:)

restless mornings

2007-11-09T06:37:00.000-05:00

This past month has been a blur. It's been amazing, eye-opening, and full of tremendous growth, but for a lack of a better term: it sucked. God has taught me so much. To learn to trust, to be patient, to be a woman who walks in the confidence of God's promises and His word, to be virtuous, faithful and diligent in service and prayer, to love even when I don't feel loved. Who knew so many amazing things would come from a state of complete brokenness. So many times I've felt like Peter walking on water. The one thing God's asked me to do is to look to Him and walk towards Him, but the wind would start to blow and I'd start looking to the right or left.

I am one of the most determined people I know. Give me something to do or a challenge and you can be assured it will be done. Unfortunately with my heart, it's a different story. When I get to a place that I'm uncomfortable, I just bail. Every time my heart would start to sink, I was ready to leave. Leave the place God has undoubtedly called me to be. The other Sunday I wasn't serving but I ended up hearing the sermon 3 times and each time this one phrase stuck out to me, "Our hearts are unfaithful, but God is always faithful". Every time I heard it, it'd hit me like a dagger in the heart. I realize that I can't live my life based on the way my heart is feeling, but that I need to be on my face before God seeking His face, declaring His promises to my spirit, and commanding my soul to rejoice in Him.

I never really understood Psalms 37. But it's been the rock I've stood on this past month. Part of the passage says to "delight yourself in the Lord". It's easy to feel like you love God and the world when everything is going well, but when things don't happen the way we feel they should... that's the real test. That's when your heart truly shows where it stands. Life would be so much easier if our heart, mind, and soul would cooperate together. Instead it's a battle. It's one that I've recently taken by throat and demanded alignment. I think too many times, we allow the devil to speak lies and we even allow ourselves to wallow in our own self pities, creating insecurities. I walked into this time with an open heart, asking God to do what He needed to in my life and He's done/doing just that. God has been weeding those out the ugly insecurities that have come from past hurts... roots and all.

It's been painful, tearful, sleepless, and prayerful. I feel like I am a stronger woman of God for this. I will continue to stand upon His promises He has spoken to me in His word and to my heart. I want my life to exude Jesus. I want that to be all that you see and hear. I want my heart to shine like no others. I want to be the woman of God that He has called me to be.

First Blog

2007-11-08T08:50:00.000-05:00

For a while I kept online blogs, but they were always kinda dumb and pointless. I think they were more of a place for me to complain than to actually keep helpful reminders and encouragements for those reading. I'm a pretty happy go-lucky person until something goes wrong. That's when I'd turn to writing a song or writing some awful entry about how much life was horrible. While, I know life isn't a case of peaches, it's also not good to wallow in the low points, as there are many amazing and beautiful things that will be missed.

More and more over the past few months, I've been inspired to keep my thoughts somewhere. Seems how I type faster than I can write with a pen, I am turning to the trusty ole internet to store and manage them. Plus I'm all about sharing my heart to anyone who will listen. We shall see how faithful I remain to this new venture.